New Years Resolutions (Can kiss my A*$)

Thanksgiving was here, and Santy Claus came and went. Our Christmas trees are being thrown out to the CURB, and the decorations are being re-boxed for the next Holiday Season. We have all carefully DIGESTED our food and taken one more trip back to the mall to make returns for the gifts that we didn't like. Much to my CHAGRIN...

The fun and games are ALL over.

The ugliest day of the calendar year is about to be penciled into every ones planner throughout the world. And ever since I was a little kid, I have always DREADED New Years Day

Ugh...

I'm here to report that New Years day is the main reason behind every diagnosed episode of MANIC depression within our country. It's the time of year when we all convince ourselves that we are "turning over a new leaf" for the up-coming year. The time of year when we are ALL so confident that, for the next 365 days - when the waiter comes around to take our order, we are going to get a Caesar SALAD and stick of NICORETTE for dinner.

Well not this year.

New Years can kiss my fucking ass.

I'm pretty sure that I hold the record for the most consecutive years of forgetting about my GAY-ASS New Years resolution by January 4th, at the LATEST - totaling 29. I've made a list of some of the funniest "rezzies" that I've encountered in the past, and listed them below.






"I will try and drink less this year"

This is hysterical. We all know that this NEVER works. Superbowl comes, and this resolution goes right out the window. The only way you could EVER possibly admire someone who says they are going to try and CUT BACK on their drinking, is if they are just getting over their 3rd DUI.






"I'm gonna try and not spend money on stupid things this year"

I am the undisputed king of this knuckle headed nonsense. This reminds me of one particular time in college, when a couple of friends and I were headed to Myrtle Beach for a week, and I had a hundred bucks - to my NAME. Before getting on the interstate, we stopped at Sheetz to gas up our SUV. I walked in the store, $100 bill in hand, and spent $65.00 on nudy magazines and beef jerky. What an investment.





"I promise to treat my wife/girlfriend better this year"

People are real assholes. Sometimes I wonder why ANYONE would have to make such a correction in their life. Let me just say this: I watch COPS religiously. Nuff' said.







"I promise to treat my dog better"

I had a roommate in college once who had a dog. One year he actually had to PLEDGE to himself that he would stop beating it when it pissed on the floor. *Newsflash*...its a dog...they are STUPID...get over it.






"My diet starts tomorrow"

This is fucking terrible. Hopefully nobody from JAPAN reads my blogs, because this picture would give "Godzilla" a whole new meaning. Please people, level with yourself this year and set a GOAL. Don't just SAY that you are going to go on a diet. That's what this woman tried to do in 1996.







"I'm quitting smoking"

This is definitely a hard one. In order for this resolution to work, its almost like one has to say "I'm going to make a resolution THIS YEAR, to try and quit NEXT YEAR." If anyone ACTUALLY does try this and is successful, please let me know; and more importantly, GOD bless you.







"I'm giving up candy for the New Year"

I'm trying something different this year. My New Year’s resolution is to gain 200 pounds. Not 200 pounds of muscle, either. I want to gain 200 pounds of pure, unfiltered WASTE— the equivalent of 700,000 calories in nacho cheese-filled pretzel rods, peanut butter brownies, snickerdoodles, cupcakes, fudge pops, MOUNTAIN DEW, margarine sandwiches, and guacamole milkshakes. There’s no particular rhyme or reason to my resolution; it will probably take 10 years off of my life and inflict disgust onto any woman that I meet, both in the process of gaining the weight and after having put it on.


So if your like me and hate this American tradition...Don’t feel bad. Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this.

In 1997, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Years resolutions of 275 people. After one week, the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions. After two weeks, they have no idea what happened, because the psychologists had quit monitoring...

“We just forgot, and lost our motivation”...they reported. "Also, we were eating Twinkies by the truckload."