The Joisey Shore

It's official. Votes were cast, collected and tallied - and after two milliseconds of deliberation, the verdict is in. The American public has unanimously found the BENNIES of MTV'S reality show "The Jersey Shore"...

GUILTY.

Guilty of being no more than a collection between a bunch of muscleheaded MEATBALLS who drive iRoc-Z's and grease their hair up, and slutbag bitches whose idea of having a good time would be categorized as contracting a sexual transmitted DISEASE served with a side of spaghetti.

And guess what?

I'm tuning IN...

For me, the idea of watching a group of people publicly EMBARRASS themselves on national TV is fucking great. You see... Americas' appetite for garbage entertainment seems to have no boundaries, and while I tend NOT to watch mainstream reality shows in general, this one is a gem. I'm always available to watch something that is pathetic as this, and that will provide COUNTLESS hours of entertainment and punchlines for me and my jokester friends.

Following suit with my other posts...this, without a doubt, is the "royal flush" of stupidity and ignorance that trumps all of the other notable examples of INEPTITUDE I have cited - to date.

And while I have your attention, I'd like to take the time and say...

God, I love this country.

It's shows like these that are so hard to stomach but at the same time so pleasurable to watch, because it points out the "pea brain" mentalities that exist here in America. While MTV's recent line up of reality shows such as The Hills, The Real World, etc., have been saturated with situations similar to the ones on the "Jersey Shore", nothing has outlined immaturity like this before.

But this show has caused more than SOME concern within the national media channels, more specifically to those who make their home "Down the Jersey Shore".

I grew up and spent many summers "down the shore" as a kid, and now that my parents bought a home in a beach town about 100 miles south of Seaside Heights; I can firmly say that this show is about as close to the real Jersey Shore...as Beverly Hills is to BAGHDAD.

The series should be re-named: "Why locals should AVOID Seaside Heights."

After watching women SWOON over "The Situation’s" abs and SALIVATE every time Ronnie flexes, one thing has become perfectly clear to me...

Never underestimate the level of intelligence that MOST of the people that live in this country possess.

Seriously, this is for real?

After seeing a preview, it looks (and sounds) like a show that would be named...

"My New Haircut: The Series."

New Jersey is famous for being host to a slew of TV shows back through the years... The Sopranos probably being the most notable...but at least The Sopranos was fictional, it was well written and the characters were more than just douchebag tools that are consistent in making TOTAL jerkoffs out of themselves.

MTV went fishing in the SHALLOW end of the gene pool to find the cast for this show.

Lets break it down:

First up there's Nicole, a.k.a. SNOOKI. This chick broke a duck, struck out 6 times in a jacuzzi, almost left, almost got fired from her job selling NOVELTY T-shirts in a store on the BOARDWALK, and met her BARF BAG soul mate - ALL in just under 120 minutes!!!

(Laughing My Fucking Ass Off...)

Then there is PAULEY D.

(Rolling on the Fucking Floor Laughing...)

First of all, Pauley is a stupid name, and his HAIR is beyond stupid. He travels with 40 bottles of hair manipulator, a hair blower, AUSSIE hair spray, and a Bumpit - literally, and I saw him sucker punch that guy in that nightclub and then watched him BRAG about it. My 15 year old niece could have hit the guy harder than that.

This guy is AMAZING.

Pauley D, along with his housemate and new best friend Mikey "THE SITUATION" Sorrento, are probably two of the cockiest, fuckfaced guys I've ever seen on television. "The Situation" (his self proclaimed moniker, - that, if you ask me is about as cool as a SHIT-filled bagel sandwich) is a 27 year old gym assistant and is the complete definition of a total "TAMPON STRING". For one, he is getting "old man cheeks" as a direct result from injecting steroids directly into his inflatable "suck ass" ego. Secondly, this JACK WAD got busy in a hot tub, sucked LIPS with at least three different teenage girls, tried (unsuccessfully) to cockblock Ronnie (the other SAUSAGED-MUSCLE shitdick in the house), then fell into a deep depression when his crush, Sammi "The Sweetheart," started holding hands with someone else. HAHAHA!

Talk about delusions of grandeur...

For the sake of writers cramp, I'm going to stop here. Besides, I'm not too sure how I feel about just having spent 20 minutes talking about these creeps - so I'm not going to inundate you all with any more exhausting, idiotic story plots. Ill leave it up to you to imagine just how disgusting this show really is (if you haven't seen it yet.)

So yeah, OBVIOUSLY there is absolutely NO incentive here to pattern myself after any of these BENNIES, but at the same time my DVR is set up for a series recording every Thursday night on MTV. So, whether you think it's the best thing since Water Ice (pronounced "wooder-ice") or find it totally insulting, one thing is for certain: "Jersey Shore" got people talking after last weeks premiere.