New Years Resolutions (Can kiss my A*$)

Thanksgiving was here, and Santy Claus came and went. Our Christmas trees are being thrown out to the CURB, and the decorations are being re-boxed for the next Holiday Season. We have all carefully DIGESTED our food and taken one more trip back to the mall to make returns for the gifts that we didn't like. Much to my CHAGRIN...

The fun and games are ALL over.

The ugliest day of the calendar year is about to be penciled into every ones planner throughout the world. And ever since I was a little kid, I have always DREADED New Years Day

Ugh...

I'm here to report that New Years day is the main reason behind every diagnosed episode of MANIC depression within our country. It's the time of year when we all convince ourselves that we are "turning over a new leaf" for the up-coming year. The time of year when we are ALL so confident that, for the next 365 days - when the waiter comes around to take our order, we are going to get a Caesar SALAD and stick of NICORETTE for dinner.

Well not this year.

New Years can kiss my fucking ass.

I'm pretty sure that I hold the record for the most consecutive years of forgetting about my GAY-ASS New Years resolution by January 4th, at the LATEST - totaling 29. I've made a list of some of the funniest "rezzies" that I've encountered in the past, and listed them below.






"I will try and drink less this year"

This is hysterical. We all know that this NEVER works. Superbowl comes, and this resolution goes right out the window. The only way you could EVER possibly admire someone who says they are going to try and CUT BACK on their drinking, is if they are just getting over their 3rd DUI.






"I'm gonna try and not spend money on stupid things this year"

I am the undisputed king of this knuckle headed nonsense. This reminds me of one particular time in college, when a couple of friends and I were headed to Myrtle Beach for a week, and I had a hundred bucks - to my NAME. Before getting on the interstate, we stopped at Sheetz to gas up our SUV. I walked in the store, $100 bill in hand, and spent $65.00 on nudy magazines and beef jerky. What an investment.





"I promise to treat my wife/girlfriend better this year"

People are real assholes. Sometimes I wonder why ANYONE would have to make such a correction in their life. Let me just say this: I watch COPS religiously. Nuff' said.







"I promise to treat my dog better"

I had a roommate in college once who had a dog. One year he actually had to PLEDGE to himself that he would stop beating it when it pissed on the floor. *Newsflash*...its a dog...they are STUPID...get over it.






"My diet starts tomorrow"

This is fucking terrible. Hopefully nobody from JAPAN reads my blogs, because this picture would give "Godzilla" a whole new meaning. Please people, level with yourself this year and set a GOAL. Don't just SAY that you are going to go on a diet. That's what this woman tried to do in 1996.







"I'm quitting smoking"

This is definitely a hard one. In order for this resolution to work, its almost like one has to say "I'm going to make a resolution THIS YEAR, to try and quit NEXT YEAR." If anyone ACTUALLY does try this and is successful, please let me know; and more importantly, GOD bless you.







"I'm giving up candy for the New Year"

I'm trying something different this year. My New Year’s resolution is to gain 200 pounds. Not 200 pounds of muscle, either. I want to gain 200 pounds of pure, unfiltered WASTE— the equivalent of 700,000 calories in nacho cheese-filled pretzel rods, peanut butter brownies, snickerdoodles, cupcakes, fudge pops, MOUNTAIN DEW, margarine sandwiches, and guacamole milkshakes. There’s no particular rhyme or reason to my resolution; it will probably take 10 years off of my life and inflict disgust onto any woman that I meet, both in the process of gaining the weight and after having put it on.


So if your like me and hate this American tradition...Don’t feel bad. Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this.

In 1997, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Years resolutions of 275 people. After one week, the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions. After two weeks, they have no idea what happened, because the psychologists had quit monitoring...

“We just forgot, and lost our motivation”...they reported. "Also, we were eating Twinkies by the truckload."

The Joisey Shore

It's official. Votes were cast, collected and tallied - and after two milliseconds of deliberation, the verdict is in. The American public has unanimously found the BENNIES of MTV'S reality show "The Jersey Shore"...

GUILTY.

Guilty of being no more than a collection between a bunch of muscleheaded MEATBALLS who drive iRoc-Z's and grease their hair up, and slutbag bitches whose idea of having a good time would be categorized as contracting a sexual transmitted DISEASE served with a side of spaghetti.

And guess what?

I'm tuning IN...

For me, the idea of watching a group of people publicly EMBARRASS themselves on national TV is fucking great. You see... Americas' appetite for garbage entertainment seems to have no boundaries, and while I tend NOT to watch mainstream reality shows in general, this one is a gem. I'm always available to watch something that is pathetic as this, and that will provide COUNTLESS hours of entertainment and punchlines for me and my jokester friends.

Following suit with my other posts...this, without a doubt, is the "royal flush" of stupidity and ignorance that trumps all of the other notable examples of INEPTITUDE I have cited - to date.

And while I have your attention, I'd like to take the time and say...

God, I love this country.

It's shows like these that are so hard to stomach but at the same time so pleasurable to watch, because it points out the "pea brain" mentalities that exist here in America. While MTV's recent line up of reality shows such as The Hills, The Real World, etc., have been saturated with situations similar to the ones on the "Jersey Shore", nothing has outlined immaturity like this before.

But this show has caused more than SOME concern within the national media channels, more specifically to those who make their home "Down the Jersey Shore".

I grew up and spent many summers "down the shore" as a kid, and now that my parents bought a home in a beach town about 100 miles south of Seaside Heights; I can firmly say that this show is about as close to the real Jersey Shore...as Beverly Hills is to BAGHDAD.

The series should be re-named: "Why locals should AVOID Seaside Heights."

After watching women SWOON over "The Situation’s" abs and SALIVATE every time Ronnie flexes, one thing has become perfectly clear to me...

Never underestimate the level of intelligence that MOST of the people that live in this country possess.

Seriously, this is for real?

After seeing a preview, it looks (and sounds) like a show that would be named...

"My New Haircut: The Series."

New Jersey is famous for being host to a slew of TV shows back through the years... The Sopranos probably being the most notable...but at least The Sopranos was fictional, it was well written and the characters were more than just douchebag tools that are consistent in making TOTAL jerkoffs out of themselves.

MTV went fishing in the SHALLOW end of the gene pool to find the cast for this show.

Lets break it down:

First up there's Nicole, a.k.a. SNOOKI. This chick broke a duck, struck out 6 times in a jacuzzi, almost left, almost got fired from her job selling NOVELTY T-shirts in a store on the BOARDWALK, and met her BARF BAG soul mate - ALL in just under 120 minutes!!!

(Laughing My Fucking Ass Off...)

Then there is PAULEY D.

(Rolling on the Fucking Floor Laughing...)

First of all, Pauley is a stupid name, and his HAIR is beyond stupid. He travels with 40 bottles of hair manipulator, a hair blower, AUSSIE hair spray, and a Bumpit - literally, and I saw him sucker punch that guy in that nightclub and then watched him BRAG about it. My 15 year old niece could have hit the guy harder than that.

This guy is AMAZING.

Pauley D, along with his housemate and new best friend Mikey "THE SITUATION" Sorrento, are probably two of the cockiest, fuckfaced guys I've ever seen on television. "The Situation" (his self proclaimed moniker, - that, if you ask me is about as cool as a SHIT-filled bagel sandwich) is a 27 year old gym assistant and is the complete definition of a total "TAMPON STRING". For one, he is getting "old man cheeks" as a direct result from injecting steroids directly into his inflatable "suck ass" ego. Secondly, this JACK WAD got busy in a hot tub, sucked LIPS with at least three different teenage girls, tried (unsuccessfully) to cockblock Ronnie (the other SAUSAGED-MUSCLE shitdick in the house), then fell into a deep depression when his crush, Sammi "The Sweetheart," started holding hands with someone else. HAHAHA!

Talk about delusions of grandeur...

For the sake of writers cramp, I'm going to stop here. Besides, I'm not too sure how I feel about just having spent 20 minutes talking about these creeps - so I'm not going to inundate you all with any more exhausting, idiotic story plots. Ill leave it up to you to imagine just how disgusting this show really is (if you haven't seen it yet.)

So yeah, OBVIOUSLY there is absolutely NO incentive here to pattern myself after any of these BENNIES, but at the same time my DVR is set up for a series recording every Thursday night on MTV. So, whether you think it's the best thing since Water Ice (pronounced "wooder-ice") or find it totally insulting, one thing is for certain: "Jersey Shore" got people talking after last weeks premiere.

I Wish That I Knew What I Know Now, When I was in College (Top 40)

As human beings, we all make mistakes or miss opportunities. I don't care who you are, it happens. What really blows, is that years after an opportunity was missed, we dwell on what went wrong, but CAN'T go back to fix it. It's simply impossible.

Let me put it to you this way...

I've missed so many opportunities in my college years, they could be represented by EVERY blade of GRASS at Qualcomm stadium; home field to the San Diego Charger's.

Especially with women...

During my 6 year tenure at the biggest party school in the country (West Virginia University), I learned a few "mannerisms" essential to being part of the Mountaineer student body.

My fraternity brothers and I went out to the bars or to house parties just about EVERY night of the week - and I'm not exaggerating. So much partying and "tail chasing," in fact...we had to develop a notarized document that had to be agreed upon between any fraternity member that wanted to TAG along.

Actually, this isn't true...but If I could go back in time to my college years, I would have implemented a RULEBOOK to live by, and said it like a PRAYER every night before I went out...

You see...sometimes there is an "unspoken word" between men on what to say, and what not to say to girls within the social meeting place...Based on personal experiences, consequences suffered, - and if I did have a notarized document outlining what to do, it would look a little something like this:


The CARDINAL rule: Don't be a DOUCHEBAG
*This could lead to a very long list of what not to do, but Ill highlight the major sins...

A. Don't steal from the bars. Your a drunken idiot. You will get caught, and you will get blackballed from the bar.

B. Don't be the angry guy. We are all trying to have a good time, so don't take the initiative into your own hands and FUCK it up for all of us.


1. The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.

2. You ALWAYS have an early appointment the next morning.

3. Never use your real name.

4. Never confess.

5. Definitely make sure she is 18.

6. You have until the bar closes and the late night party to seal the deal, NO OVERTIME.

7. Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way - Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.

8. ALWAYS pull out in time.

9. Of course you love her.

10. ALWAYS be a team player, everyone needs a little help every now and then.

11. Know the playbook, so you can call in an audible.

12. You understand what she heard, but that's not what you meant.

13. NEVER go back to your place.

14. Breakfast is for CLOSERS...

15. Create an air of mystery that involves some PAINFUL experience when interacting with the girl your after. But don't EVER talk about it.

16. Tell any woman that your interested and that you'd love to stay, but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter early tomorrow morning.

17. The Ferrari's in the shop.

18. If two guys pick the same girl, the younger of the two males will respectfully yield to the elder.

19. Mix it up a little. You can't ALWAYS be the man with the HAUNTED past.

20. Girls in HATS tend to be proper, and they RARELY give it up. - *Note to self* (Fitted, NEW ERA hats DON'T count - consider this as a Billboard that reads: "RUN")

21. Always think ahead, but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox, and you'll not only get the girl, you just MIGHT get a piece of mind.

22. Don't use the "I have 2 months to live" bit. Not cool. NOT EFFECTIVE.

23. Your from out of town. ALWAYS.

24. Of course you dream of one day having children.

25. Deep down, most woman HATE themselves...this is the key to MOST bedroom doors.

26. By the way. Etiquette isn't old fashioned...it's sexy. And it works.

27. Avoid women who were PSYCHOLOGY majors. There is no kind of woman more clingy and PERSISTENT than a psychologist investigating your story later on...

28. COCKBLOCKING is not cool. Don't do it...ever. (C'Blocking a RANDOM Fuck-Bag has its exceptions, though).

29. Know when to abandon ship if it ain't floating.

30. Always work your way into conversation: "Yeah, I have tons of money, but how does one buy happiness?"

31. Fight the urge to tell the truth.

32. There is nothing wrong with going in for seconds, provided there is enough to go around.

33. No excuses. Play like a Champion today!

34. Don't fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back up.

35. Be judicious with cologne. Spraying too much can be disastrous. When in doubt, use less.

36. The OLDER the better, the YOUNGER the better.

37. Avoid talking about yourself all night long.

38. You love animals AND children.

39. Be thoughtful...it brings out the "healer" in women.

40. Smile! Your having the time of your life.


I'm thinking (had I implemented this list), that I would of ended up with more black eyes, than notches on my bedpost...

Until next time...

THE BRIGHT SIDE

I've been trying soooooo hard to come up with a post that isn't about something I HATE...and I'll be totally honest, its almost FUCKING impossible. With the amount of information that my brain ingests throughout the course of one day...that easily exceeds a TERABYTE, I struggle to incorporate optimistic ideals into the "TheBasesLoaded" Blog. I tend to chalk up my erroneous blog ideas to the astronomical amount of stupidity - that I CAN'T seem to avoid.

Now...I've tried everything, but somehow the only logical way of dodging INEPTITUDE, would be to lock myself in a wooden box in the middle of a cornfield; for 4 years, somewhere in the middle of South Dakota...

I don't mean to BILLYCLUB you all with another sequential entry in which I verbally define my moral boundaries, but if you've read this much, I'm guessing that your probably sharing some of the same feelings that I have already expressed.

As a kid, I was forced to write speeches in my grade school class for the local OPTIMIST Club and publicly give them in front of a panel of judges. The Optimist club was kind of similar to a localized "Lions Club" (These might not exist outside of good ol' PA) in that they sponsored local scholastic events, Charity events, gave scholarships to under privileged students for college, and had a gigantic mailing list to recruit donations.

One year I talked about Milton Hershey's financial success after he weathered a series of bankruptcies. The moral of the story was that his theory of NEVER GIVING UP has obviously paid off, and his optimistic ideals are a lifelong lesson that everybody can learn from.

The following year I spoke about Jack Dempsey; the early American prizefighter (1914) who was beaten TWICE by the same man, before he avenged failure and proceeded to win the middleweight title. Jack Dempsey was a "picture perfect" example of a man who confronted his obstacles in life, and eventually beat them - literally.

I was really good at giving these speeches, and believe it or not I placed in the top 3 spots every year I entered the contest - throughout PA, NJ, and DE...

There is a reason why...

You see, at this age I was able to get in front of a room full of people I've never seen before and SCREAM about how ridiculously happy and optimistic I was - because I didn't have BILLS to pay. Quite frankly...at that age, I had no responsibilities at all.

A NORMAL "schoolday" would consist of me arriving home from school, WD-40'ing the chain on my Diamond Back mountain bike, tightening the trucks on my NASH skateboard, and off to the park I went - with two packs of Camel Wides, a gold ZIPPO from "Things Remembered" with my initials engraved on it, and two cans of Ronson lighter fluid.


I had taken everything for granted in my life at that point, and although I didn't realize it at age 14, I was entombing life-long lessons into my "Trapper Keeper of life" by giving those speeches at the local Optimist Club.


Drumroll pllleaseeee.....


As my life goes on - I am becoming a PESSIMIST.

Shocking, huh?

I firmly believe that we all are. Throughout my life I've learned to expect the WORST in any possible situation. I never think of a TRAFFIC JAM as a great way to spend a Friday afternoon...I never think that my college football team (WVU) is going to overcome a 10 point deficit with 2 quarters of play left in the game...I am also pretty confident that the one GAS PUMP I choose to pull up to, will most certainly have that awfully disgusting - yellow DO NOT USE BAG hanging off of it...I'm almost POSITIVE, its going to lightning storm on the day I am supposed to play golf with the owner of Def Jam...Furthermore, when I go into Foot Locker looking to buy a pair of white Nike Air Force One's - size 10.5's, I am betting my 57" Sony Bravia flatscreen TV that the referee comes out of the back closet with the look on her face like she just lost her kid at the state fair, telling me she has no more left.


Now, I've tried "making the best" out of situations like these...but all its left me to do was pace back and forth in Best Buy's lobby saying over and over to myself..."Fuckin' A..." For me, the idea of making the best out of a bad situation sometimes, just isn't an option.

Obviously, the TRIVIAL examples listed above are not enough to make me go AWOL, but those experiences seem to make it easier to anticipate something of similar proportions to happen again.


Pessimism is beginning to become part of the WORLD we live in. Its a character trait that's prevalent EVERYWHERE I look.


Its a hell of a thing, but I look at it like this...


"A pessimist is NEVER disappointed..."

TEAM EDWARD...

(Before reading this post, please understand that my INTENTION here is directed at Comedy, nothing else. These views are not the views of GOOGLE or any other online structure. They are only MY views and are for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only)

A few weeks ago I started to notice that a few of my friends on facebook started to "tweet" about this 35 year old sexual fantasy series called "TWILIGHT". A few of the FB pages that I visited to PROBE the concept of this book were mostly Mothers or "Moms-to-be" that read mostly during their down time while their husbands were at work or their babies were sleeping. At first, I thought nothing of it. I mean, realistically, women pass favorite books around within their SEWING circles and then like to gather after they complete it to talk about what they liked and what they disliked. I have always ENDORSED the idea of people reading in their spare time to further themselves INTELLECTUALLY.

That is until, of course...I found out that the book was about...


VAMPIRES and WEREWOLF'S.

Yes, you guessed it. I'm a HATER. I am hating on this SERIES more than any other series I have EVER seen in the history of mankind. Yes, I joined the group on facebook "Twilight sucks." I just don't understand just what it is about SHIT sucking VAMPIRES that has America finger BANGING itself...

Come on!

Bram Stoker's DRACULA is one thing, but in my opinion NEW MOON and all these "teeny bopping" sequels are nothing more than a great way to waste your time. In my opinion, the author Stephanie Meyer wrote 4 books about NOTHING.

I am not just "judging a book by its cover" here in ANY way. I am judging this book by a GIGANTIC spectrum of STUPIDITY. i.e., Burger King cups, computer games, movie trailers, FASHION buttons, NEWSPAPER ARTICLES about 46 yr old women standing in movie premiere lines on opening day...at MIDNIGHT, articles of cheap clothing, toilet paper, ringtones, and TEAM EDWARD sweat shirts.

AWESOME.

I can hear it now somewhere in America (hopefully ALASKA).....some "TWI-TARD" saying to their friend the week before prom, "Hold on one second Sally, let me go put on my Team Edward underpants, so when I give him my virginity next week at the school dance, maybe...just maybe...he will call me the next day. Ohhh Edward..."

Now, If you don't know what this series is all about, spare yourself the AWFUL experience of going into ANY shopping mall littered inside of America during the next 2 years...at least.

TRUST me.

I did it last week, and I wish I would of had a BARF BAG and an oxygen mask stapled to my neck.


So...yeah. I'm at the mall with a buddy of mine last Friday afternoon. Pulling into the parking lot, both of us agreed that the food court would be the perfect answer to our totally different assimilated tastes of JUNK. After getting my tray from Chic-Fil-A, we got a table and sat down. I took the pickles off the fried chicken sandwich, and started to "prepare" my waffle fries.

So, I'm sitting there EATING and guess what is all around me...Yep...you guessed it... -Twilight memorabilia being rammed down my throat like a super-sized bucket of FUCKING lard. Everywhere I looked, I saw something that had those awful words on it. TWILIGHT...NEW MOON. It was horrendous. I proceeded to slam my tray into the hopper like LeBron James posting up on the New Jersey Nets and told my buddy that Id wait for him at the bottom of the escalator while I listened to my ipod.

5 minutes went by and my buddy was done and I told him that I wanted to check out Foot Locker to see if they had a pair of Jordans I liked in my size. He agreed, and we walked 40 feet to the store. On the way, my friend stopped at SPENCER'S to buy the "I'M ON A BOAT" t-shirt. I'm in there with him laughing so hard at the silhouette of T-Pain on this shirt as I notice out of the corner of my eye this GRUNGE BALL girl with a HEROIN BELT tied tight around her NECK, piercings all over her face, and black KNUCKLE gloves with black fingernail polish buying a 4 pack of TWILIGHT, NEW MOON buttons.

Now, based on her appearance...I know she doesn't waitress at Fridays, and that these buttons aren't going to be used as "flair".

Interested in why someone would invest in something as stupid as this, I walked up to the register and said to her...."What are you doing?"

Alarmed, she turned around; perplexed...as if I just caught her in Rite Aid buying a tube of VAGISIL... and she said "What do you mean?"..."Those buttons, what are they? This New Moon crap...why is it so popular?"

Taking a second to collect her change, this "Twi-Tard" looked at me and said..."Its just a really cool movie that my friends and I like. Its really awesome."

I don't know what the hype is about surrounding this, but whoever made this movie is going to be very rich to say the least - as the box office numbers are already breathing on Titanic's astronomical sales record. In addition, thanks to Twilight a whole section of society will never REPRODUCE thanks to their obsession stemming from waiting for Edward Cullen.

Imagine this: About 13 years ago there was a movie called "The Program" - one of my personal favorites. In this movie there was a scene where one of the players decided to lay down in the middle of a highly traveled road. Why? I don't know. But, after this movie hit theaters, some genius thought that replicating this scene would be a great idea and good for his popularity. Needless to say it didn't work out to well for him, and they had to edit that scene from the movie to prevent future disasters. Just think how many people will be inspired by concept of the whole Vampire stigma and the idea of being a "Night Dwelling" animal.

Like I said before, I haven’t read the series and I won’t now, just because it’s been hyped up so much and I’m now totally aware of the fact that it’s a teenager's wet dream. Me being a 29 year old male...2+2 just doesn't equal 4 in this equation.

As an 8th grade English teacher from St. Louis, MO said in an online forum last week "I don’t want my students reading this CRAP literature. I’d rather they read Playboy and Hustler."

So, if you are a guy like me and can't stand this rapidly spreading New Moon epidemic...just tune out. Dont give in to your "other half" and go see the movie just because you owe her a favor. And if you are into this kinda thing, male or female...and are a starting POINT GUARD for TEAM EDWARD, I am sorry. Truly I am.

FULL OF BULL

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. The Lion kept this bullshit up until a hunter came along and shot him, took him home and ate him.

The moral of the story: When you're FULL OF BULL, keep your goddamn mouth shut...


I'm sick and tired of running into people who think they know EVERYTHING. It seems to never end and as life goes on and people grow older, this phenomena festers. Experiences, strengths, and situational disparities become GENERAL rule, and no matter what you know when you run into this type of person, you are ALWAYS wrong.

My dad likes to refer to these people as "KNOW-IT-ALLS"...

You see, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who know how to keep their TRAP shut, and those who don't. I have learned the hard way... Learning that sometimes its necessary to walk away KNOWING you were right, rather than PROVING you are wrong! I have met many people (of all ages) in my day who were so in love with themselves, that they found it absolutely necessary to prove it to me in the context of regular conversation. In many cases, it almost seemed like they were diagnosed with some kind of PRIVILEGED information that has not been revealed to anyone else. Now, I don't know everything, nor do I claim to; however, I am willing to admit my shortcomings and pay attention to CERTAIN people I can learn from.

Most of the time I am setting myself up for disappointment. During many of my routine encounters, I really have no business striking up conversation with these SHIT HEADS that I know are only going to blow hot air up my ass. I don't know if the prize inside their CRACKER JACK box told them to act like a goddamn MENSA member, but the reality is that they are ARGUING what SOMEONE ELSE once told them.

Like many youngsters, I learned at a very young age the concept of WHISPER DOWN THE ALLEY. The idea that information received via WORD of MOUTH is not reliable. I forget what grade I was in, but the teacher wanted to demonstrate to the class how information can be COMPLETELY misrepresented as it was relayed to more and more people.

Like many things at that age, this exercise started off oh so innocently...

The teacher kneeled down and whispered into Jamie Hess's ear... "This year for Christmas, I want a remote control car"... Jamie passed it on to the next kid, as I sat and waited until my buddy next to me got the "secret" and then told me. By the time I had got the message, it went a little something like this..."This year for Christmas, I hope my daddy gets me a 2-stroke, oil and gas-mix, Automatic clutch, chainsaw DILDO attachment for my barbie doll set!!!!"

For Gods sake.

Obviously I'm exaggerating a tad, but for arguments sake; it demonstrates that some people should not be repeating what they heard at the BUS STOP, because they are simply wrong.


More and more people in today's world tend to uphold GRAPEVINE information as notable "work cited" references. Which brings to mind another experience I had with a MOUTHBREATING pig looking at old baseball cards in my local mall last Saturday afternoon. I was in the mall picking up the newest copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 at GameStop. (Yes, I do still play video games) When I happen to walk by a kiosk in the middle of the mall and saw a customer who was rifling through a pile of mint condition rookie baseball cards. Among the pile was Jose Canseco, Mark McGuire, Orel Hershiser, and many other rare, valuable cards. As I stopped to see what all the excitement was about, we got to talking casually about some of the cards he had in his hand. I mentioned some of my favorite players as a kid, and told him about some of the cards I had in my own card collection. We got to talking about my favorite card. A 1983 Topps Juan Samuel rookie card. Now, I'm not an expert on collectibles in any form, but I do know about how much this thing is worth.

In between dipping his Bavarian pretzel into a plastic condiment cup overflowing with curdled nacho cheese, this guy was telling me he was absolutely sure that my 1983 Juan Samuel Philadelphia Phillie rookie card was only worth $6.00, when all the research I did as a kid says otherwise. I surrendered on the spot, waved the white flag and RAN away from him so fast that Security thought I was shoplifting. I just couldn't bring myself to argue to days end with this guy about an old baseball card that I probably lost. It was one of those moments that I said to myself "This is one of those people who thinks he ALWAYS right."

Am I the only person who cant tolerate the stubbornness of other people?

It's unbelievable.

I almost hate talking to people that I don't know anymore because: What used to be considered innocent conversation has all of a sudden become a PRIZE FIGHT - A "weigh in" followed by a 12 round "knock down - drag out" bout, complete with ring girls and MICHAEL BUFFER announcing the winner.


I told myself when I started writing THEBASESLOADED blogspot that I would not incorporate my religious beliefs on here and I hate to get all HIGH AND MIGHTY, but the reality is; I was raised in a Catholic school and one of my favorite life lessons is found in Proverbs 17:28. It goes a little something like this:

"Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; when he shuts his LIPS, he is considered perceptive."


Very similar to the more recent saying: "Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

You rush from the refrigerator back to the couch.......

Scrambling for the remote, finding the MUTE button and pressing it.......HARD. It doesn't work - you point the remote at the TV screen, furiously punching the buttons so hard that you hear the plastic remote cracking in the palm of your hand. Snapping your elbow as you fling your arm straight, you press the button again. And then silence. Thank God.


With the middle of football season among us, post-season baseball in full force, the beginning of Nip/Tuck season 6 (my favorite), poker after dark, SYTYCD or whatever show it is that you enjoy watching on the BOOB; this is, without a doubt - the time of year that is considered to be the PETRI dish of consumer television marketing.

I'm talking about TV commercials, people. I PAY to see them in movie theaters, I pay to see them at home. And I'm here to report that it sincerely SUCKS.

Insurance companies, car companies, that hideous JACKPOT Pizza Hut commercial, movie premiers, beer companies, pill manufacturers, credit card companies, etc. What do they all have in common? They are all victims of believing that they are going to generate profits by ignorantly PUNCHING us in the BRAIN with useless deals of low interest rates, a big ring of cheese around the crust, cash back, a can that turns blue, or anti-fungal foot cream. Its sad to say while I pay no attention to these assholes, some people are so addicted to these commercials, that they cannot resist WHIPPING out their credit cards and automatically enrolling in the free shipping program for the 1/2 ounce gold COMMEMORATIVE collectors coin, with the U.S. coat of arms on it, that is worth NOTHING.


Well, not me. I hate it. As a matter of fact, I hate TV commercials more than I hated studying the "Fundamental theorem of limits and infinitesimals" in my remedial college Calculus class. And for me to hate something more than a CLASS that I FAILED 4 times, is ridiculous. For these companies to insult my intelligence over and over and over again -to the point where I see a commercial for "Longitude"- the male enhancement pill, 3 times during one show; they should realize by now that they are only digging their own grave.

The inception of the DVR was truly amazing. It allows us to record all our favorite shows so we can fast forward through all the BULLSHIT. But, there is only so much digital information that our DVR's can save in one month, and whether you are watching HEROES, Little People Big World, Friends, CSI, American Idol, iCarly, or Sesame Street, you are COMPLETELY screwed.

These companies are becoming the PUNCH line of every joke, at every happy hour, in every bar or "meeting place" in America. I am not listening any longer. I have had more than enough exposure to the LACKLUSTER problems that MOST of the people living in this country have. Blah, BLAH, fucking Blah. Whether its a pile of food they are about to eat, getting a hard-on, a fungus on their toe, ACNE, bad credit, gardening problems, or having a small DICK. From now on, I'm tuning OUT.

I am also ashamed to CLAIM the people in these commercials as my fellow Americans.


This brings me to that LOUDMOUTH prick, Billy Mays - God, rest his soul.


Billy Mays had no idea how MISERABLE he was making my life. And still is. Orange Glow, Fix-a-scratch, Oxy-Clean, The AWESOME AUGER, (What The F?) and whatever else that guy found necessary to bludgeon my eardrums with. Its makes me wonder how his wife and kids attempted to make a happy life living with someone whose communication skills would be more appropriate at a WWF wrestling match, than at a dining room table.


When Billy Mays died, apparently the autopsy reported that he had cocaine in his system. Now, this is amazing to me. Unless Billy Mays had a cocoa plant on his windowsill at home, I find it perplexing how he got his hands on ANY type of street level, illegal substance. I cant believe that anyone selling DRUGS on the street would even consider this prick as a customer. He had the loudest mouth, and WAS the most annoying person in America, who loved to SCREAM at the top of his lungs about NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Not to mention - he was on TV, embarrassing himself!!! I guess the almighty power of the dollar outweighs the potential 20 year BID one might do, if caught slingin' to this guy.

I apologize for regressing. Lets move on...........

To Howie Long.

I am a Chevrolet guy - I don't follow Chevy on the NASCAR "sprint cup" circuit or anything, but I do like Chevrolet model vehicles. What I DON'T like is the fact that Howie Long; quite possibly the dumbest man in the world, has been chosen to represent the brand that arguably BUILT America.

Here's why.


I'm sure you have seen the commercials where Howie Long is berating Ford truck drivers, and comparing them to modern day working PUSSY'S. Pointing out that they left their "Man step" down, or that their MANICURE looks great.

Wow.

I cant believe that a panel of people that auditioned this Neanderthal said "Lets let Howie Long be our spokesperson for our breakthrough model vehicles, especially when the economy is in the CELLAR to begin with." Someone must of agreed then and said, "Oh yeah, absolutely. Motor City (Detroit) is bankrupt right now, but lets put some make-up on Howie Long, give him a sport coat, and bring this company back into the black." - Ok. Give him a signing bonus too.

Instead of Howie saying “Hey man, you left your fucking step down,” Howie Long opted to let the guy know in the biggest JACKASS fashion available. Howie pretty much said, “Hey man, you left that step down on your truck. You know, the one that you use because you’re not enough of a man to get out of your truck without it."

The SAME commercial asks the viewer whether they would rather have a “man step” or a "WARRANTY" hahaha! - Yeah, because those two items are OBVIOUSLY connected. The fact that this commercial hinges on a connection between a collapsible, composite step and a POWERTRAIN warranty makes me hope someone involved with this marketing campaign got sent to the FIRING squad.

Holy Mother of Mary.


The target audience; in my opinion, for 99.2% of the commercials that I see on TV generally target the MALE audience. This is due partially to the amount of MASCULINE shows and CHANNELS that I choose to watch, like sports, poker, and COPS. I do admit that the resume of my DVR "scheduled series recordings" leaves ALOT to be desired. However, from some of the more mainstream shows that I do watch, I can tell that there seems to be a growing segment of commercials targeted to the females in this world too.

Case and Point:

Have you ever seen the goddamn commercial for "BUMPIT'S". The accessory you put onto your freaking HEAD to make your hair look, ummm.........bigger? The commercial goes something like "Bump your bangs. Bump your pony tails. We have black Bumpit's, blonde Bumpit's, and brown Bumpit's".

Jesus Christ Almighty.

Like girls don't have enough problems getting ready at night, lets add one more component to the already-impossible-equation. Come on Bumpit people (I refrained from calling them "Executives"), lets face it, these pathetic things you are marketing are soon going to achieve the status of a "BOBBY PIN", that I see every day lying on the ground outside the Getty MART. And to think that someone actually "patented" this idiotic thing, well.........makes me sick. To say the least.

What is America coming to?

Howie Long. Man steps. Bumpits. Billy Mays. Awesome Augers. Extenze pills. Closet organizers. Vegetable Choppers (don't even get me started on that clown) The list goes on. And on. And on.


It is sad to say that we are ALL helpless victims, and at the MERCY of our TELEVISION sets and stuck WATCHING these ridiculous corporate marketing strategies as they invade our time at home, which SUPPOSED to be considered peace and quiet.

There is no ESCAPE. Are these commercials reflective of the level of education in our American society?

You decide. I give up.

Thanks. Give. Ing.

With Thanksgiving, and the beginning of the 2009 Holiday Season just around the corner, I think its appropriate to talk about the magnitude to which we all give thanks for the life we have been blessed with this year.

As the beautiful season of Autumn is among us on the East Coast and the leaves begin to change, and the temperature drops - it's so easy to put our winter coats on, get in the car, show up somewhere on Thanksgiving day, sit down at a dining room table, throw the football game on and say "Pass the stuffing, Pops" without fully understanding the good fortune that lies in that pile of mashed potatoes you are about to drink.

The term "Thank You", in my opinion, is used ENTIRELY too loosely in today's day and age. And for those that know me, I am as much at fault as the next guy. Sure.......... you go to Dun'kin Donuts and get your Turbo Hot with extra cream, and extra sugar, and you politely say "Thanks" to the Indian that is handing it to you through the window. Yes, certain things deserve some degree of politeness; However, I believe that there is a conceptually inept disguise in the universally accepted phrase that displays a courteous and somewhat informal expression of gratitude.

Case and point:

About a month ago I was in a CAB coming home from grad school. I am not driving these days (thanks to the PA point system) and needless to say, I have learned to make friends with most of the the local drivers on the Reading CIRCUIT. My first week humping rides, I made friends with a cabbie named George who, if I had to guess is 55 years old, he VERY closely resembles Jerry Garcia and obviously had some trouble making, and keeping dentist appointments during his youth. However; a nicer guy you COULDN'T find. He was happy to give me his cell number for prompt door-to-door service, and I looked forward to seeing him each week and giving him a nice tip at the end of each ride, which gave George the incentive to pick me up at the drop of a hat, if needed.

This particular Monday, though, George was not working, so I had to deal with the SWITCHBOARD. Christ. Let me tell you guys something for those of you who don't live in Reading.

OK, in Reading, PENNSYLVANIA. ENGLISH is no longer the primary language. Spanish has become the verbal CURRENCY here, so in order for me to place an order for a ride, I had to first ask for an English speaking operator in such a way that I wouldn't be considered rude or arrogant, and for those of you who know me; know, that being pleasant in a situation like this can be a real challenge. In other words - If I was calling in a "meat lovers thin crust", and a 2 Liter of Dr. Pepper, Id be FUCKED.

Going through the switchboard also means that after the 14 minute "crash test Spanish course" I could possibly be waiting outside for ANOTHER 20 minutes for a ride in a car that hadn't passed a 55 point STATE inspection exam in DECADES.

Its a local fare, about 3 miles, which usually costs me about 6 bucks. With the tip? I'm looking at about 8 bucks - GIVEN there is healthy conversation and/or a healthy environment (Cigarette smoking doesn't count). For example, I usually try and get it the front seat and ride GUN. If this happens...........extra $2 tip. but if there is a weeks worth of Wendy's bags on the front seat or the drivers BRIEFCASE, with his law school homework in it, I happily ask if I can sit in the back. I don't know what it is about cab drivers and briefcases, but its a VERY popular accessory. The last time I checked, when the meter isn't running - they aren't studying for the LSAT's. I don't know what else could be in there.

So anyways, I finally land a ride which only took about 18 minutes. I HEAR the guy approaching me from about 200 yds out and it sounds like the master cylinder and Transmission casing are in the UFC octagon with RAMPAGE Jackson wearing brass KNUCKLES. or better yet, It almost like I was on #2 at Galen Hall golf course and I hear someone scream FORE at me as loud as they can. I ducked, and immediately look back toward this CLAMMERING noise and I see this guy casually failing to stop at a stop sign, and BLATANTLY ignoring the speed limit, all the while looking around for his customer. I say to myself "Here we go", I pick up my bag off the ground and proceed to wave him down.

He pulls up, and I try to pull my patented "shotgun" move; however, the front seat looked like the Phillies DUGOUT after a 13 inning game against the Dodgers in the NLCS. So, I obliged to sit in the back, put my examination gloves on and buckle up.

I'm finally on my way. After about 2 minutes of checking text messages en route - like a school girl, I start small talk and ask the driver "Hey, what do you think about the Eagles this year."

Now, I live in the middle of Eagles country where everyone "dry shoots" over the Eagles, but little does he know - I HATE the Eagles, so its a loaded question. I'm just curious as to what kind of guy I'm dealing with.

Without missing a beat, he looks at me through the rear view and says "I don't watch sports, I don't have the time." Wow. "OK bud. That's great.......Go fuck yourself" - I felt like saying, but instead I kept quiet and thought to myself ........"Fair enough, he's a hard worker."

About another 1/4 mile down the road, we pass a local Fire Company. It's now about 10:45 pm, and there is 15 guys standing outside talking and shooting the breeze. I looked over at them, really never having seen that much traffic at a small fire company at 11 pm on a weeknight before; curiously, I asked the driver "Hey. What goes on in there at night? Do they have a bar set up in there where people go and hang out?"

This goddamn disgruntled GUY perks up in his seat, clears his throat - which sounded so gross and very well could have been used as a commercial for Lung Cancer Awareness- looks in the rear view mirror at me and says " I don't know what they do in there. ugh. ugh. You would have to ask them........ugh. ugh.........Why didn't you roll the window down and ask them yourself? ugh. ugh. How would I know what goes on in there? ugh"

Wow!!!! OK asshole, I didn't ask you why your parents got divorced. And I didn't know the criteria for being a cab driver in Reading, PA was that you had to be a complete shit-dick. Hey Jerk-off, doesn't it fucking occur to you that I am in my late 20's, I'm wearing a white POLO jacket and matching U.S. Open Ralph Lauren tennis shoes, coming from a UNIVERSITY, late at night ........and that the possibility of me giving you a GOOD tip would be pretty good?

Apparently not.

I told the guy where I lived, which was about 250 yds ahead, and for the rest of the ride I was COMPLETELY silent. I was silent with PAIN. I was soo mad at the idea that this CAB DRIVER just beat me at my own game of "one-ups-man-ship" and my inability to continue a pleasant conversation based on the possibility of me PAYING him made me sick. He had the last word, and I was silent.

So here's the kicker............

The cab came to a halt outside my apartment and I couldn't wait to get the F out of that car, call George - my "go-to-guy" and tell him what a shit head this guy was.

I pulled out my wallet. Paid my fare, and tipped the guy a buck. And then........get this

I said................"THANK YOU" to this specimen. I couldn't believe what just happened. I was so incredibly disappointed with myself.

The point being.............alot of times I half-heartedly say Thank You to people and I don't mean it. In this case, I CERTAINLY didn't mean it. What I did mean to do was.......... dump my full Snapple bottle of CHEWING tobacco spit onto his back seat, get out of the car and slam the door shut so hard that all four tires go flat.

Instead I said "Thank You"

So, this Thanksgiving when you are spending time with the Family members you love, don't simply say "Hey Thanks"..............that is what you tell the waitress at Chili's for bringing you ketchup. Look them in the eye, and SINCERELY tell them "Thank You." Thank them for more than just bringing you into this world.................Thank them for putting up with you for your whole life. And most importantly, thank them for providing a holiday setting that will not only be remembered for ages, but CHERISHED for generations.

Thanks K. Meeney, RIP JOE

Well Guys. Here it is. My first "Blog". Up until a few months ago, I had no fucking clue what this word meant. Even with the Social Networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, "J" Date, lol, etc. and all the GIGANTIC computer transformations we have witnessed in the past 10 years, somehow I missed the whole concept of "blogging". To me, a "blog" was a pile of crap that was left outside a public "Port-A-Potty" at the Tweeter Center in Camden, NJ - after a Pantera concert. I had no concept of the word or its meaning. I have lived on this earth 29+ years and finally, on this date (October 16, 2009) I have decided to cave in, put my thoughts on paper and write about my life and some of the events that have shaped it, both good and bad.

Several recent events have caused me to stop and think to myself that I could be doing something to chronicle my journey through life, and depict some of the events that I have witnessed and/or been apart of.

First of all, I would like to take the time and thank an old friend from back in the day at Blair Academy: Keith Meeney. Keith, at one point in time, I considered you a great friend to me, and always admired you as a person, and after reading YOUR blog, and recognizing some of the efforts you have made through you posts a few nights ago, and EXPLODING with laughter, I really felt something powerful. I envisioned you at your computer in Southern California, typing about that douchebag parking ticket cop, who wrote you a ticket, and how f'ing pissed you were, and something hit me: I really liked reading about your trademarked insights (carrying condoms in your pocket to a first date, relationship advice, marriage, and movie quotes, to name a few) and thought to myself "One day I'm gonna do something like this, so the people that Ive been geographically separated from can still laugh (or cry) at some of my half-assed theories of life."

Keith, Thanks for the inspiration bro! I know its been a while - but I hope all is well (I really hate when people say this to me over the computer, especially when I haven't seen them in a while But it is the truth Meeney) - I really do hope all is well with you, and that you have found happiness in life, and have surrounded yourself with positive people. You are one major reason for me sitting here writing this today. And for that, I am thankful. So again, Thank you.

Here is the 2nd reason for my blogging endeavors:

Tuesday, October 13, 2009, (two days ago) I lost one of my best friends in the world to the terrible disease of colon cancer. He was 31 years old. I knew after having contracted the disease in 2006, that the idea of him not being around in 20 years was VERY real, but now that he is gone, and his contact information in my Blackberry is no longer gonna send funny text messages and videos of his prized hunting trophies, I am really scared for everyone who has been diagnosed with this disease. Cancer is a disease that holds no mercy. It is like a vicious tornado that starts in the Midwest and moves to the east coast, similar to the effects of KATRINA. Just 4 months ago, my buddy was traveling the country with his daughter and friends, putting up hunting stands in the woods, watching preseason football, enjoying the company of family and friends like nothing was wrong. NOTHING. After seeing him bed ridden just 7 days ago, barely able to talk, let alone walk, seeing how skinny and lifeless the disease had made him at 31 years of age........I realized that Joey's days were numbered.

Let me tell you all the kind of person Joe was: Joe was a sincere friend that I used to tell my inner-most secrets to, I spent Christmas and Thanksgiving Day with him and his family many-a-years. Joe would drop anything to come help a friend in time of need, and never asked for a favor in return, and we went EVERYWHERE together. If Joe cut a fart (which he did regularly, lol)I could tell you what he had to eat that day. That's how close we were. Joe never lied, cheated, or stole anything in his life, never did drugs, drank in excess, and was one of the only people that; as a teenager, I could bring into my parents home, because even THEY knew he was a great influence on me. He worked very hard, ran a business - rain or shine, made an HONEST living, and 6 years ago brought a daughter into this world, whom he taught morals to, enrolled in a Catholic School, and showed her an AMAZING childhood. The kind of friend that is hard to come by and truly one of a kind. I still cant believe that Joe is gone.

Life is funny sometimes. Why Joe? Why God? Why would you take someone from our lives who never did ANYTHING wrong to anyone? Sometimes its the most innocent people that are taken from us and offers no explanation as to why. Even As I sit here watching COPS on a Thursday night - home alone, and the New Mexico state troopers have some red-necked, armed robber pulled over to the side of the road at a standoff. THIS GUY is on Crystal Meth, his girlfriend is pregnant out of wedlock, his F-150 is stolen - no plates, he is wanted for murder, just violated his parole, all-the-while he just fired 8 shots out of a pistol into the side of a Ford Crown Vic, in an attempt at a police officers life. Now, this asshole TRIED to kill somebody and STILL will be given a second chance at life. Let me be clear here, I'm all about second chances, because I know ALL TOO WELL about second chances, because Ive been given too many. But my point is, I bet that this happy camper/cop-killer will live to be 98 years old in a state prison somewhere, getting regular visitations from his family, enjoying holidays, etc. Does he deserve to live that long? Well, I'm not at liberty to make that assumption or label someone in anyway. However, if life was a "Scantron Test" my guess is that this guy would have failed. Miserably.


Ill never know why God removed Joe S. Farina from my life, and the lives of all the people he has touched. All I know is that he is done suffering and is smiling down from above. And for that I am happy. Life is too short and fragile to just live every day taking EVERYTHING for granted.

The events of Joe's passing really made me realize that in life, ANYTHING can happen. Like Ferris Bueller said "Life moves fast. If you don't stop once in a while to look around, you might miss it."

This post is Dedicated to Giuseppe S. Farina (4.6.79- 10.13.09)

Stay tuned for more.....