DEPRESSEDUARY

Winter is the time of year where every other living thing either chooses to die or HIDE, but for some reason, human beings choose to put on a giant coat, CHAINS on their tires, as well as EARMUFFS - and POWER through it.

It's miserable.

The sun goes down at 3:30 p.m. and rises at 7:00 a.m., making the days invariably short and almost unbearable. For me, the months of January and February always make me feel like my dog just DIED.

This is due, in part, to the chemical changes within the body that are a result of a lack of sunlight. You see, sunlight and UV-Rays naturally produce hormones within the human body that generate happiness, and as a result - you feel HEALTHY.

Without sunlight, one can appropriately imagine that without these hormones being produced, you unequivocally feel like a SHIT STAIN.

On a graph of coolness, winter follows along the same exact curve as making a t-shirt with a super magnified FACE SHOT of your "ex" on it...

It makes you SICK every time you think about it.

It's safe to say that the worst part of my day comes in the morning, seconds after I turn the HOT water off in the shower and I step out, into what feels like SIBERIA. It is at that very moment when my testicles shrivel up into the size of cherry tomatoes, and my desire to do ANYTHING else other than douse myself in a 55 gallon drum of KEROSENE and proceed to light up my morning smoke, becomes non-existent.

And I know that I'm not the only one who HATES this time of year.

Currently, the Nation is experiencing ALL-TIME temperature lows and snow accumulation, especially throughout the Northeast. In FLORIDA there is a STATE OF EMERGENCY for Christs sakes, as the citrus crops are in danger of freezing, and there is worry that the sub-normal temperatures are going to inundate the crop supply, which is a multi-billion dollar staple.

Right now it is so cold outside, even PROSTITUTES are experiencing the downtrodden effects of DEPRESSEDUARY. Get this: Yesterday, on my way to the grocery store, I saw HOOKERS downtown charging 20 bucks just to BLOW...

on your hands.

Other than relocating to a warmer region (which SEVERAL of my friends seemed to have done lately), there is no solution. On one hand, I do enjoy the seasonal change that exists here in the Northeast region, and on the other hand I hate the "jail" that my house becomes during these months.

Which brings me to my next question: Where do all the girls go in the winter time?

As if the whole shower experience isn't bad enough(sorry for the mental picture), there is NO such thing as "eye candy" during these awful months. Why? Because everyone (especially HOT girls) finds it so much easier to stay in the comfort of their home at night, making the possibility of a new relationship forming almost EXTINCT.

That being said, its also probably a safe assumption that people have less sex in the winter. (However, due to the amount of birthdays I've recently seen in October, and November, I now know that this is NOT true.) If this were true, this idea alone would be enough to make you DROP KICK the head off of the next snowman you see, and FIRE your snow sled up inside your wood burning stove.

It's not just SHRINKAGE and treacherous weather that's keeping us from getting any action during the winter months. Chicks get considerably less sexual as the days grow shorter and the temperature drops. They stop worrying about fitting into their swimsuits - let alone WEARING one, they start eating like pigs, and let their leg hair grow until it's long enough to CORNROW. This all stems from one very simple fact: they know that they have EXACTLY three months to cover every single piece of exposed skin on their body like an INUIT blubber harvester.

Ughh. It's going to be a long 3 months.

I'm over it. I'm going to patent a pill that makes you feel like you are in Hawaii year round.


So, If you're one of the millions of people who live in a climate that actually has a winter season and HATE it, dont worry. Your not the only one.