TEAM EDWARD...

(Before reading this post, please understand that my INTENTION here is directed at Comedy, nothing else. These views are not the views of GOOGLE or any other online structure. They are only MY views and are for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only)

A few weeks ago I started to notice that a few of my friends on facebook started to "tweet" about this 35 year old sexual fantasy series called "TWILIGHT". A few of the FB pages that I visited to PROBE the concept of this book were mostly Mothers or "Moms-to-be" that read mostly during their down time while their husbands were at work or their babies were sleeping. At first, I thought nothing of it. I mean, realistically, women pass favorite books around within their SEWING circles and then like to gather after they complete it to talk about what they liked and what they disliked. I have always ENDORSED the idea of people reading in their spare time to further themselves INTELLECTUALLY.

That is until, of course...I found out that the book was about...


VAMPIRES and WEREWOLF'S.

Yes, you guessed it. I'm a HATER. I am hating on this SERIES more than any other series I have EVER seen in the history of mankind. Yes, I joined the group on facebook "Twilight sucks." I just don't understand just what it is about SHIT sucking VAMPIRES that has America finger BANGING itself...

Come on!

Bram Stoker's DRACULA is one thing, but in my opinion NEW MOON and all these "teeny bopping" sequels are nothing more than a great way to waste your time. In my opinion, the author Stephanie Meyer wrote 4 books about NOTHING.

I am not just "judging a book by its cover" here in ANY way. I am judging this book by a GIGANTIC spectrum of STUPIDITY. i.e., Burger King cups, computer games, movie trailers, FASHION buttons, NEWSPAPER ARTICLES about 46 yr old women standing in movie premiere lines on opening day...at MIDNIGHT, articles of cheap clothing, toilet paper, ringtones, and TEAM EDWARD sweat shirts.

AWESOME.

I can hear it now somewhere in America (hopefully ALASKA).....some "TWI-TARD" saying to their friend the week before prom, "Hold on one second Sally, let me go put on my Team Edward underpants, so when I give him my virginity next week at the school dance, maybe...just maybe...he will call me the next day. Ohhh Edward..."

Now, If you don't know what this series is all about, spare yourself the AWFUL experience of going into ANY shopping mall littered inside of America during the next 2 years...at least.

TRUST me.

I did it last week, and I wish I would of had a BARF BAG and an oxygen mask stapled to my neck.


So...yeah. I'm at the mall with a buddy of mine last Friday afternoon. Pulling into the parking lot, both of us agreed that the food court would be the perfect answer to our totally different assimilated tastes of JUNK. After getting my tray from Chic-Fil-A, we got a table and sat down. I took the pickles off the fried chicken sandwich, and started to "prepare" my waffle fries.

So, I'm sitting there EATING and guess what is all around me...Yep...you guessed it... -Twilight memorabilia being rammed down my throat like a super-sized bucket of FUCKING lard. Everywhere I looked, I saw something that had those awful words on it. TWILIGHT...NEW MOON. It was horrendous. I proceeded to slam my tray into the hopper like LeBron James posting up on the New Jersey Nets and told my buddy that Id wait for him at the bottom of the escalator while I listened to my ipod.

5 minutes went by and my buddy was done and I told him that I wanted to check out Foot Locker to see if they had a pair of Jordans I liked in my size. He agreed, and we walked 40 feet to the store. On the way, my friend stopped at SPENCER'S to buy the "I'M ON A BOAT" t-shirt. I'm in there with him laughing so hard at the silhouette of T-Pain on this shirt as I notice out of the corner of my eye this GRUNGE BALL girl with a HEROIN BELT tied tight around her NECK, piercings all over her face, and black KNUCKLE gloves with black fingernail polish buying a 4 pack of TWILIGHT, NEW MOON buttons.

Now, based on her appearance...I know she doesn't waitress at Fridays, and that these buttons aren't going to be used as "flair".

Interested in why someone would invest in something as stupid as this, I walked up to the register and said to her...."What are you doing?"

Alarmed, she turned around; perplexed...as if I just caught her in Rite Aid buying a tube of VAGISIL... and she said "What do you mean?"..."Those buttons, what are they? This New Moon crap...why is it so popular?"

Taking a second to collect her change, this "Twi-Tard" looked at me and said..."Its just a really cool movie that my friends and I like. Its really awesome."

I don't know what the hype is about surrounding this, but whoever made this movie is going to be very rich to say the least - as the box office numbers are already breathing on Titanic's astronomical sales record. In addition, thanks to Twilight a whole section of society will never REPRODUCE thanks to their obsession stemming from waiting for Edward Cullen.

Imagine this: About 13 years ago there was a movie called "The Program" - one of my personal favorites. In this movie there was a scene where one of the players decided to lay down in the middle of a highly traveled road. Why? I don't know. But, after this movie hit theaters, some genius thought that replicating this scene would be a great idea and good for his popularity. Needless to say it didn't work out to well for him, and they had to edit that scene from the movie to prevent future disasters. Just think how many people will be inspired by concept of the whole Vampire stigma and the idea of being a "Night Dwelling" animal.

Like I said before, I haven’t read the series and I won’t now, just because it’s been hyped up so much and I’m now totally aware of the fact that it’s a teenager's wet dream. Me being a 29 year old male...2+2 just doesn't equal 4 in this equation.

As an 8th grade English teacher from St. Louis, MO said in an online forum last week "I don’t want my students reading this CRAP literature. I’d rather they read Playboy and Hustler."

So, if you are a guy like me and can't stand this rapidly spreading New Moon epidemic...just tune out. Dont give in to your "other half" and go see the movie just because you owe her a favor. And if you are into this kinda thing, male or female...and are a starting POINT GUARD for TEAM EDWARD, I am sorry. Truly I am.

FULL OF BULL

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. The Lion kept this bullshit up until a hunter came along and shot him, took him home and ate him.

The moral of the story: When you're FULL OF BULL, keep your goddamn mouth shut...


I'm sick and tired of running into people who think they know EVERYTHING. It seems to never end and as life goes on and people grow older, this phenomena festers. Experiences, strengths, and situational disparities become GENERAL rule, and no matter what you know when you run into this type of person, you are ALWAYS wrong.

My dad likes to refer to these people as "KNOW-IT-ALLS"...

You see, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who know how to keep their TRAP shut, and those who don't. I have learned the hard way... Learning that sometimes its necessary to walk away KNOWING you were right, rather than PROVING you are wrong! I have met many people (of all ages) in my day who were so in love with themselves, that they found it absolutely necessary to prove it to me in the context of regular conversation. In many cases, it almost seemed like they were diagnosed with some kind of PRIVILEGED information that has not been revealed to anyone else. Now, I don't know everything, nor do I claim to; however, I am willing to admit my shortcomings and pay attention to CERTAIN people I can learn from.

Most of the time I am setting myself up for disappointment. During many of my routine encounters, I really have no business striking up conversation with these SHIT HEADS that I know are only going to blow hot air up my ass. I don't know if the prize inside their CRACKER JACK box told them to act like a goddamn MENSA member, but the reality is that they are ARGUING what SOMEONE ELSE once told them.

Like many youngsters, I learned at a very young age the concept of WHISPER DOWN THE ALLEY. The idea that information received via WORD of MOUTH is not reliable. I forget what grade I was in, but the teacher wanted to demonstrate to the class how information can be COMPLETELY misrepresented as it was relayed to more and more people.

Like many things at that age, this exercise started off oh so innocently...

The teacher kneeled down and whispered into Jamie Hess's ear... "This year for Christmas, I want a remote control car"... Jamie passed it on to the next kid, as I sat and waited until my buddy next to me got the "secret" and then told me. By the time I had got the message, it went a little something like this..."This year for Christmas, I hope my daddy gets me a 2-stroke, oil and gas-mix, Automatic clutch, chainsaw DILDO attachment for my barbie doll set!!!!"

For Gods sake.

Obviously I'm exaggerating a tad, but for arguments sake; it demonstrates that some people should not be repeating what they heard at the BUS STOP, because they are simply wrong.


More and more people in today's world tend to uphold GRAPEVINE information as notable "work cited" references. Which brings to mind another experience I had with a MOUTHBREATING pig looking at old baseball cards in my local mall last Saturday afternoon. I was in the mall picking up the newest copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 at GameStop. (Yes, I do still play video games) When I happen to walk by a kiosk in the middle of the mall and saw a customer who was rifling through a pile of mint condition rookie baseball cards. Among the pile was Jose Canseco, Mark McGuire, Orel Hershiser, and many other rare, valuable cards. As I stopped to see what all the excitement was about, we got to talking casually about some of the cards he had in his hand. I mentioned some of my favorite players as a kid, and told him about some of the cards I had in my own card collection. We got to talking about my favorite card. A 1983 Topps Juan Samuel rookie card. Now, I'm not an expert on collectibles in any form, but I do know about how much this thing is worth.

In between dipping his Bavarian pretzel into a plastic condiment cup overflowing with curdled nacho cheese, this guy was telling me he was absolutely sure that my 1983 Juan Samuel Philadelphia Phillie rookie card was only worth $6.00, when all the research I did as a kid says otherwise. I surrendered on the spot, waved the white flag and RAN away from him so fast that Security thought I was shoplifting. I just couldn't bring myself to argue to days end with this guy about an old baseball card that I probably lost. It was one of those moments that I said to myself "This is one of those people who thinks he ALWAYS right."

Am I the only person who cant tolerate the stubbornness of other people?

It's unbelievable.

I almost hate talking to people that I don't know anymore because: What used to be considered innocent conversation has all of a sudden become a PRIZE FIGHT - A "weigh in" followed by a 12 round "knock down - drag out" bout, complete with ring girls and MICHAEL BUFFER announcing the winner.


I told myself when I started writing THEBASESLOADED blogspot that I would not incorporate my religious beliefs on here and I hate to get all HIGH AND MIGHTY, but the reality is; I was raised in a Catholic school and one of my favorite life lessons is found in Proverbs 17:28. It goes a little something like this:

"Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; when he shuts his LIPS, he is considered perceptive."


Very similar to the more recent saying: "Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."