New Years Resolutions (Can kiss my A*$)

Thanksgiving was here, and Santy Claus came and went. Our Christmas trees are being thrown out to the CURB, and the decorations are being re-boxed for the next Holiday Season. We have all carefully DIGESTED our food and taken one more trip back to the mall to make returns for the gifts that we didn't like. Much to my CHAGRIN...

The fun and games are ALL over.

The ugliest day of the calendar year is about to be penciled into every ones planner throughout the world. And ever since I was a little kid, I have always DREADED New Years Day

Ugh...

I'm here to report that New Years day is the main reason behind every diagnosed episode of MANIC depression within our country. It's the time of year when we all convince ourselves that we are "turning over a new leaf" for the up-coming year. The time of year when we are ALL so confident that, for the next 365 days - when the waiter comes around to take our order, we are going to get a Caesar SALAD and stick of NICORETTE for dinner.

Well not this year.

New Years can kiss my fucking ass.

I'm pretty sure that I hold the record for the most consecutive years of forgetting about my GAY-ASS New Years resolution by January 4th, at the LATEST - totaling 29. I've made a list of some of the funniest "rezzies" that I've encountered in the past, and listed them below.






"I will try and drink less this year"

This is hysterical. We all know that this NEVER works. Superbowl comes, and this resolution goes right out the window. The only way you could EVER possibly admire someone who says they are going to try and CUT BACK on their drinking, is if they are just getting over their 3rd DUI.






"I'm gonna try and not spend money on stupid things this year"

I am the undisputed king of this knuckle headed nonsense. This reminds me of one particular time in college, when a couple of friends and I were headed to Myrtle Beach for a week, and I had a hundred bucks - to my NAME. Before getting on the interstate, we stopped at Sheetz to gas up our SUV. I walked in the store, $100 bill in hand, and spent $65.00 on nudy magazines and beef jerky. What an investment.





"I promise to treat my wife/girlfriend better this year"

People are real assholes. Sometimes I wonder why ANYONE would have to make such a correction in their life. Let me just say this: I watch COPS religiously. Nuff' said.







"I promise to treat my dog better"

I had a roommate in college once who had a dog. One year he actually had to PLEDGE to himself that he would stop beating it when it pissed on the floor. *Newsflash*...its a dog...they are STUPID...get over it.






"My diet starts tomorrow"

This is fucking terrible. Hopefully nobody from JAPAN reads my blogs, because this picture would give "Godzilla" a whole new meaning. Please people, level with yourself this year and set a GOAL. Don't just SAY that you are going to go on a diet. That's what this woman tried to do in 1996.







"I'm quitting smoking"

This is definitely a hard one. In order for this resolution to work, its almost like one has to say "I'm going to make a resolution THIS YEAR, to try and quit NEXT YEAR." If anyone ACTUALLY does try this and is successful, please let me know; and more importantly, GOD bless you.







"I'm giving up candy for the New Year"

I'm trying something different this year. My New Year’s resolution is to gain 200 pounds. Not 200 pounds of muscle, either. I want to gain 200 pounds of pure, unfiltered WASTE— the equivalent of 700,000 calories in nacho cheese-filled pretzel rods, peanut butter brownies, snickerdoodles, cupcakes, fudge pops, MOUNTAIN DEW, margarine sandwiches, and guacamole milkshakes. There’s no particular rhyme or reason to my resolution; it will probably take 10 years off of my life and inflict disgust onto any woman that I meet, both in the process of gaining the weight and after having put it on.


So if your like me and hate this American tradition...Don’t feel bad. Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this.

In 1997, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Years resolutions of 275 people. After one week, the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions. After two weeks, they have no idea what happened, because the psychologists had quit monitoring...

“We just forgot, and lost our motivation”...they reported. "Also, we were eating Twinkies by the truckload."

The Joisey Shore

It's official. Votes were cast, collected and tallied - and after two milliseconds of deliberation, the verdict is in. The American public has unanimously found the BENNIES of MTV'S reality show "The Jersey Shore"...

GUILTY.

Guilty of being no more than a collection between a bunch of muscleheaded MEATBALLS who drive iRoc-Z's and grease their hair up, and slutbag bitches whose idea of having a good time would be categorized as contracting a sexual transmitted DISEASE served with a side of spaghetti.

And guess what?

I'm tuning IN...

For me, the idea of watching a group of people publicly EMBARRASS themselves on national TV is fucking great. You see... Americas' appetite for garbage entertainment seems to have no boundaries, and while I tend NOT to watch mainstream reality shows in general, this one is a gem. I'm always available to watch something that is pathetic as this, and that will provide COUNTLESS hours of entertainment and punchlines for me and my jokester friends.

Following suit with my other posts...this, without a doubt, is the "royal flush" of stupidity and ignorance that trumps all of the other notable examples of INEPTITUDE I have cited - to date.

And while I have your attention, I'd like to take the time and say...

God, I love this country.

It's shows like these that are so hard to stomach but at the same time so pleasurable to watch, because it points out the "pea brain" mentalities that exist here in America. While MTV's recent line up of reality shows such as The Hills, The Real World, etc., have been saturated with situations similar to the ones on the "Jersey Shore", nothing has outlined immaturity like this before.

But this show has caused more than SOME concern within the national media channels, more specifically to those who make their home "Down the Jersey Shore".

I grew up and spent many summers "down the shore" as a kid, and now that my parents bought a home in a beach town about 100 miles south of Seaside Heights; I can firmly say that this show is about as close to the real Jersey Shore...as Beverly Hills is to BAGHDAD.

The series should be re-named: "Why locals should AVOID Seaside Heights."

After watching women SWOON over "The Situation’s" abs and SALIVATE every time Ronnie flexes, one thing has become perfectly clear to me...

Never underestimate the level of intelligence that MOST of the people that live in this country possess.

Seriously, this is for real?

After seeing a preview, it looks (and sounds) like a show that would be named...

"My New Haircut: The Series."

New Jersey is famous for being host to a slew of TV shows back through the years... The Sopranos probably being the most notable...but at least The Sopranos was fictional, it was well written and the characters were more than just douchebag tools that are consistent in making TOTAL jerkoffs out of themselves.

MTV went fishing in the SHALLOW end of the gene pool to find the cast for this show.

Lets break it down:

First up there's Nicole, a.k.a. SNOOKI. This chick broke a duck, struck out 6 times in a jacuzzi, almost left, almost got fired from her job selling NOVELTY T-shirts in a store on the BOARDWALK, and met her BARF BAG soul mate - ALL in just under 120 minutes!!!

(Laughing My Fucking Ass Off...)

Then there is PAULEY D.

(Rolling on the Fucking Floor Laughing...)

First of all, Pauley is a stupid name, and his HAIR is beyond stupid. He travels with 40 bottles of hair manipulator, a hair blower, AUSSIE hair spray, and a Bumpit - literally, and I saw him sucker punch that guy in that nightclub and then watched him BRAG about it. My 15 year old niece could have hit the guy harder than that.

This guy is AMAZING.

Pauley D, along with his housemate and new best friend Mikey "THE SITUATION" Sorrento, are probably two of the cockiest, fuckfaced guys I've ever seen on television. "The Situation" (his self proclaimed moniker, - that, if you ask me is about as cool as a SHIT-filled bagel sandwich) is a 27 year old gym assistant and is the complete definition of a total "TAMPON STRING". For one, he is getting "old man cheeks" as a direct result from injecting steroids directly into his inflatable "suck ass" ego. Secondly, this JACK WAD got busy in a hot tub, sucked LIPS with at least three different teenage girls, tried (unsuccessfully) to cockblock Ronnie (the other SAUSAGED-MUSCLE shitdick in the house), then fell into a deep depression when his crush, Sammi "The Sweetheart," started holding hands with someone else. HAHAHA!

Talk about delusions of grandeur...

For the sake of writers cramp, I'm going to stop here. Besides, I'm not too sure how I feel about just having spent 20 minutes talking about these creeps - so I'm not going to inundate you all with any more exhausting, idiotic story plots. Ill leave it up to you to imagine just how disgusting this show really is (if you haven't seen it yet.)

So yeah, OBVIOUSLY there is absolutely NO incentive here to pattern myself after any of these BENNIES, but at the same time my DVR is set up for a series recording every Thursday night on MTV. So, whether you think it's the best thing since Water Ice (pronounced "wooder-ice") or find it totally insulting, one thing is for certain: "Jersey Shore" got people talking after last weeks premiere.

I Wish That I Knew What I Know Now, When I was in College (Top 40)

As human beings, we all make mistakes or miss opportunities. I don't care who you are, it happens. What really blows, is that years after an opportunity was missed, we dwell on what went wrong, but CAN'T go back to fix it. It's simply impossible.

Let me put it to you this way...

I've missed so many opportunities in my college years, they could be represented by EVERY blade of GRASS at Qualcomm stadium; home field to the San Diego Charger's.

Especially with women...

During my 6 year tenure at the biggest party school in the country (West Virginia University), I learned a few "mannerisms" essential to being part of the Mountaineer student body.

My fraternity brothers and I went out to the bars or to house parties just about EVERY night of the week - and I'm not exaggerating. So much partying and "tail chasing," in fact...we had to develop a notarized document that had to be agreed upon between any fraternity member that wanted to TAG along.

Actually, this isn't true...but If I could go back in time to my college years, I would have implemented a RULEBOOK to live by, and said it like a PRAYER every night before I went out...

You see...sometimes there is an "unspoken word" between men on what to say, and what not to say to girls within the social meeting place...Based on personal experiences, consequences suffered, - and if I did have a notarized document outlining what to do, it would look a little something like this:


The CARDINAL rule: Don't be a DOUCHEBAG
*This could lead to a very long list of what not to do, but Ill highlight the major sins...

A. Don't steal from the bars. Your a drunken idiot. You will get caught, and you will get blackballed from the bar.

B. Don't be the angry guy. We are all trying to have a good time, so don't take the initiative into your own hands and FUCK it up for all of us.


1. The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.

2. You ALWAYS have an early appointment the next morning.

3. Never use your real name.

4. Never confess.

5. Definitely make sure she is 18.

6. You have until the bar closes and the late night party to seal the deal, NO OVERTIME.

7. Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way - Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.

8. ALWAYS pull out in time.

9. Of course you love her.

10. ALWAYS be a team player, everyone needs a little help every now and then.

11. Know the playbook, so you can call in an audible.

12. You understand what she heard, but that's not what you meant.

13. NEVER go back to your place.

14. Breakfast is for CLOSERS...

15. Create an air of mystery that involves some PAINFUL experience when interacting with the girl your after. But don't EVER talk about it.

16. Tell any woman that your interested and that you'd love to stay, but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter early tomorrow morning.

17. The Ferrari's in the shop.

18. If two guys pick the same girl, the younger of the two males will respectfully yield to the elder.

19. Mix it up a little. You can't ALWAYS be the man with the HAUNTED past.

20. Girls in HATS tend to be proper, and they RARELY give it up. - *Note to self* (Fitted, NEW ERA hats DON'T count - consider this as a Billboard that reads: "RUN")

21. Always think ahead, but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox, and you'll not only get the girl, you just MIGHT get a piece of mind.

22. Don't use the "I have 2 months to live" bit. Not cool. NOT EFFECTIVE.

23. Your from out of town. ALWAYS.

24. Of course you dream of one day having children.

25. Deep down, most woman HATE themselves...this is the key to MOST bedroom doors.

26. By the way. Etiquette isn't old fashioned...it's sexy. And it works.

27. Avoid women who were PSYCHOLOGY majors. There is no kind of woman more clingy and PERSISTENT than a psychologist investigating your story later on...

28. COCKBLOCKING is not cool. Don't do it...ever. (C'Blocking a RANDOM Fuck-Bag has its exceptions, though).

29. Know when to abandon ship if it ain't floating.

30. Always work your way into conversation: "Yeah, I have tons of money, but how does one buy happiness?"

31. Fight the urge to tell the truth.

32. There is nothing wrong with going in for seconds, provided there is enough to go around.

33. No excuses. Play like a Champion today!

34. Don't fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back up.

35. Be judicious with cologne. Spraying too much can be disastrous. When in doubt, use less.

36. The OLDER the better, the YOUNGER the better.

37. Avoid talking about yourself all night long.

38. You love animals AND children.

39. Be thoughtful...it brings out the "healer" in women.

40. Smile! Your having the time of your life.


I'm thinking (had I implemented this list), that I would of ended up with more black eyes, than notches on my bedpost...

Until next time...

THE BRIGHT SIDE

I've been trying soooooo hard to come up with a post that isn't about something I HATE...and I'll be totally honest, its almost FUCKING impossible. With the amount of information that my brain ingests throughout the course of one day...that easily exceeds a TERABYTE, I struggle to incorporate optimistic ideals into the "TheBasesLoaded" Blog. I tend to chalk up my erroneous blog ideas to the astronomical amount of stupidity - that I CAN'T seem to avoid.

Now...I've tried everything, but somehow the only logical way of dodging INEPTITUDE, would be to lock myself in a wooden box in the middle of a cornfield; for 4 years, somewhere in the middle of South Dakota...

I don't mean to BILLYCLUB you all with another sequential entry in which I verbally define my moral boundaries, but if you've read this much, I'm guessing that your probably sharing some of the same feelings that I have already expressed.

As a kid, I was forced to write speeches in my grade school class for the local OPTIMIST Club and publicly give them in front of a panel of judges. The Optimist club was kind of similar to a localized "Lions Club" (These might not exist outside of good ol' PA) in that they sponsored local scholastic events, Charity events, gave scholarships to under privileged students for college, and had a gigantic mailing list to recruit donations.

One year I talked about Milton Hershey's financial success after he weathered a series of bankruptcies. The moral of the story was that his theory of NEVER GIVING UP has obviously paid off, and his optimistic ideals are a lifelong lesson that everybody can learn from.

The following year I spoke about Jack Dempsey; the early American prizefighter (1914) who was beaten TWICE by the same man, before he avenged failure and proceeded to win the middleweight title. Jack Dempsey was a "picture perfect" example of a man who confronted his obstacles in life, and eventually beat them - literally.

I was really good at giving these speeches, and believe it or not I placed in the top 3 spots every year I entered the contest - throughout PA, NJ, and DE...

There is a reason why...

You see, at this age I was able to get in front of a room full of people I've never seen before and SCREAM about how ridiculously happy and optimistic I was - because I didn't have BILLS to pay. Quite frankly...at that age, I had no responsibilities at all.

A NORMAL "schoolday" would consist of me arriving home from school, WD-40'ing the chain on my Diamond Back mountain bike, tightening the trucks on my NASH skateboard, and off to the park I went - with two packs of Camel Wides, a gold ZIPPO from "Things Remembered" with my initials engraved on it, and two cans of Ronson lighter fluid.


I had taken everything for granted in my life at that point, and although I didn't realize it at age 14, I was entombing life-long lessons into my "Trapper Keeper of life" by giving those speeches at the local Optimist Club.


Drumroll pllleaseeee.....


As my life goes on - I am becoming a PESSIMIST.

Shocking, huh?

I firmly believe that we all are. Throughout my life I've learned to expect the WORST in any possible situation. I never think of a TRAFFIC JAM as a great way to spend a Friday afternoon...I never think that my college football team (WVU) is going to overcome a 10 point deficit with 2 quarters of play left in the game...I am also pretty confident that the one GAS PUMP I choose to pull up to, will most certainly have that awfully disgusting - yellow DO NOT USE BAG hanging off of it...I'm almost POSITIVE, its going to lightning storm on the day I am supposed to play golf with the owner of Def Jam...Furthermore, when I go into Foot Locker looking to buy a pair of white Nike Air Force One's - size 10.5's, I am betting my 57" Sony Bravia flatscreen TV that the referee comes out of the back closet with the look on her face like she just lost her kid at the state fair, telling me she has no more left.


Now, I've tried "making the best" out of situations like these...but all its left me to do was pace back and forth in Best Buy's lobby saying over and over to myself..."Fuckin' A..." For me, the idea of making the best out of a bad situation sometimes, just isn't an option.

Obviously, the TRIVIAL examples listed above are not enough to make me go AWOL, but those experiences seem to make it easier to anticipate something of similar proportions to happen again.


Pessimism is beginning to become part of the WORLD we live in. Its a character trait that's prevalent EVERYWHERE I look.


Its a hell of a thing, but I look at it like this...


"A pessimist is NEVER disappointed..."