(Before reading this post, please understand that my INTENTION here is directed at Comedy, nothing else. These views are not the views of GOOGLE or any other online structure. They are only MY views and are for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only)
A few weeks ago I started to notice that a few of my friends on facebook started to "tweet" about this 35 year old sexual fantasy series called "TWILIGHT". A few of the FB pages that I visited to PROBE the concept of this book were mostly Mothers or "Moms-to-be" that read mostly during their down time while their husbands were at work or their babies were sleeping. At first, I thought nothing of it. I mean, realistically, women pass favorite books around within their SEWING circles and then like to gather after they complete it to talk about what they liked and what they disliked. I have always ENDORSED the idea of people reading in their spare time to further themselves INTELLECTUALLY.
That is until, of course...I found out that the book was about...
VAMPIRES and WEREWOLF'S.
Yes, you guessed it. I'm a HATER. I am hating on this SERIES more than any other series I have EVER seen in the history of mankind. Yes, I joined the group on facebook "Twilight sucks." I just don't understand just what it is about SHIT sucking VAMPIRES that has America finger BANGING itself...
Come on!
Bram Stoker's DRACULA is one thing, but in my opinion NEW MOON and all these "teeny bopping" sequels are nothing more than a great way to waste your time. In my opinion, the author Stephanie Meyer wrote 4 books about NOTHING.
I am not just "judging a book by its cover" here in ANY way. I am judging this book by a GIGANTIC spectrum of STUPIDITY. i.e., Burger King cups, computer games, movie trailers, FASHION buttons, NEWSPAPER ARTICLES about 46 yr old women standing in movie premiere lines on opening day...at MIDNIGHT, articles of cheap clothing, toilet paper, ringtones, and TEAM EDWARD sweat shirts.
AWESOME.
I can hear it now somewhere in America (hopefully ALASKA).....some "TWI-TARD" saying to their friend the week before prom, "Hold on one second Sally, let me go put on my Team Edward underpants, so when I give him my virginity next week at the school dance, maybe...just maybe...he will call me the next day. Ohhh Edward..."
Now, If you don't know what this series is all about, spare yourself the AWFUL experience of going into ANY shopping mall littered inside of America during the next 2 years...at least.
TRUST me.
I did it last week, and I wish I would of had a BARF BAG and an oxygen mask stapled to my neck.
So...yeah. I'm at the mall with a buddy of mine last Friday afternoon. Pulling into the parking lot, both of us agreed that the food court would be the perfect answer to our totally different assimilated tastes of JUNK. After getting my tray from Chic-Fil-A, we got a table and sat down. I took the pickles off the fried chicken sandwich, and started to "prepare" my waffle fries.
So, I'm sitting there EATING and guess what is all around me...Yep...you guessed it... -Twilight memorabilia being rammed down my throat like a super-sized bucket of FUCKING lard. Everywhere I looked, I saw something that had those awful words on it. TWILIGHT...NEW MOON. It was horrendous. I proceeded to slam my tray into the hopper like LeBron James posting up on the New Jersey Nets and told my buddy that Id wait for him at the bottom of the escalator while I listened to my ipod.
5 minutes went by and my buddy was done and I told him that I wanted to check out Foot Locker to see if they had a pair of Jordans I liked in my size. He agreed, and we walked 40 feet to the store. On the way, my friend stopped at SPENCER'S to buy the "I'M ON A BOAT" t-shirt. I'm in there with him laughing so hard at the silhouette of T-Pain on this shirt as I notice out of the corner of my eye this GRUNGE BALL girl with a HEROIN BELT tied tight around her NECK, piercings all over her face, and black KNUCKLE gloves with black fingernail polish buying a 4 pack of TWILIGHT, NEW MOON buttons.
Now, based on her appearance...I know she doesn't waitress at Fridays, and that these buttons aren't going to be used as "flair".
Interested in why someone would invest in something as stupid as this, I walked up to the register and said to her...."What are you doing?"
Alarmed, she turned around; perplexed...as if I just caught her in Rite Aid buying a tube of VAGISIL... and she said "What do you mean?"..."Those buttons, what are they? This New Moon crap...why is it so popular?"
Taking a second to collect her change, this "Twi-Tard" looked at me and said..."Its just a really cool movie that my friends and I like. Its really awesome."
I don't know what the hype is about surrounding this, but whoever made this movie is going to be very rich to say the least - as the box office numbers are already breathing on Titanic's astronomical sales record. In addition, thanks to Twilight a whole section of society will never REPRODUCE thanks to their obsession stemming from waiting for Edward Cullen.
Imagine this: About 13 years ago there was a movie called "The Program" - one of my personal favorites. In this movie there was a scene where one of the players decided to lay down in the middle of a highly traveled road. Why? I don't know. But, after this movie hit theaters, some genius thought that replicating this scene would be a great idea and good for his popularity. Needless to say it didn't work out to well for him, and they had to edit that scene from the movie to prevent future disasters. Just think how many people will be inspired by concept of the whole Vampire stigma and the idea of being a "Night Dwelling" animal.
Like I said before, I haven’t read the series and I won’t now, just because it’s been hyped up so much and I’m now totally aware of the fact that it’s a teenager's wet dream. Me being a 29 year old male...2+2 just doesn't equal 4 in this equation.
As an 8th grade English teacher from St. Louis, MO said in an online forum last week "I don’t want my students reading this CRAP literature. I’d rather they read Playboy and Hustler."
So, if you are a guy like me and can't stand this rapidly spreading New Moon epidemic...just tune out. Dont give in to your "other half" and go see the movie just because you owe her a favor. And if you are into this kinda thing, male or female...and are a starting POINT GUARD for TEAM EDWARD, I am sorry. Truly I am.
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after much hesitation and intentional avoidance, i read the first book. and then the second and now i own the whole collection. i have no problems admitting that i liked the books, because i did. they wouldn't make my top 20 favorite books, but they were fun to read and great for the beach.
ReplyDeleteHowever, i have absolutely zero comprehension of the twi-hard phenomenon going on. i would say that it makes sense for me not to grasp it, as i'm not a 13 year old, pining for some seriously overrated, unattractive vampire, but you're dead on (no pun intended) about SO many older women buying into this whole deal, as well.
the basic plot of the whole series is that this mousy, loser, nobody of a girl ends up with a "hot" vampire and a "hot" werewolf obsessing over her to the point of all or nothing. there's obviously more, but it sounded even dumber being summarized that it does from the actual manuscript. hard to believe, i know.
the majority of relationships in the world are far from being the perfect fairytale romance and this story lets people (women) imagine themselves as the mousy loser being swept off her feet by the most perfect specimen on earth. I'm all for letting yourself get caught up in a story, as this is what fiction is so much about, but the twi-hards have completely lost sight of the line between reality and fiction.
it's terrifying to think that there are thousands, tens of thousands, perhaps, of women who believe that edward cullen is real. They are saving themselves for edward and they truly believe that their own edward will show up and rescue them from mediocrity.
Ladies, you can do much, much better than edward cullen, so stop holding your breath and start the long journey back to reality.
Us Ususal Rose...WELL SAID!!! hahahah. You crack me up...
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