You rush from the refrigerator back to the couch.......

Scrambling for the remote, finding the MUTE button and pressing it.......HARD. It doesn't work - you point the remote at the TV screen, furiously punching the buttons so hard that you hear the plastic remote cracking in the palm of your hand. Snapping your elbow as you fling your arm straight, you press the button again. And then silence. Thank God.


With the middle of football season among us, post-season baseball in full force, the beginning of Nip/Tuck season 6 (my favorite), poker after dark, SYTYCD or whatever show it is that you enjoy watching on the BOOB; this is, without a doubt - the time of year that is considered to be the PETRI dish of consumer television marketing.

I'm talking about TV commercials, people. I PAY to see them in movie theaters, I pay to see them at home. And I'm here to report that it sincerely SUCKS.

Insurance companies, car companies, that hideous JACKPOT Pizza Hut commercial, movie premiers, beer companies, pill manufacturers, credit card companies, etc. What do they all have in common? They are all victims of believing that they are going to generate profits by ignorantly PUNCHING us in the BRAIN with useless deals of low interest rates, a big ring of cheese around the crust, cash back, a can that turns blue, or anti-fungal foot cream. Its sad to say while I pay no attention to these assholes, some people are so addicted to these commercials, that they cannot resist WHIPPING out their credit cards and automatically enrolling in the free shipping program for the 1/2 ounce gold COMMEMORATIVE collectors coin, with the U.S. coat of arms on it, that is worth NOTHING.


Well, not me. I hate it. As a matter of fact, I hate TV commercials more than I hated studying the "Fundamental theorem of limits and infinitesimals" in my remedial college Calculus class. And for me to hate something more than a CLASS that I FAILED 4 times, is ridiculous. For these companies to insult my intelligence over and over and over again -to the point where I see a commercial for "Longitude"- the male enhancement pill, 3 times during one show; they should realize by now that they are only digging their own grave.

The inception of the DVR was truly amazing. It allows us to record all our favorite shows so we can fast forward through all the BULLSHIT. But, there is only so much digital information that our DVR's can save in one month, and whether you are watching HEROES, Little People Big World, Friends, CSI, American Idol, iCarly, or Sesame Street, you are COMPLETELY screwed.

These companies are becoming the PUNCH line of every joke, at every happy hour, in every bar or "meeting place" in America. I am not listening any longer. I have had more than enough exposure to the LACKLUSTER problems that MOST of the people living in this country have. Blah, BLAH, fucking Blah. Whether its a pile of food they are about to eat, getting a hard-on, a fungus on their toe, ACNE, bad credit, gardening problems, or having a small DICK. From now on, I'm tuning OUT.

I am also ashamed to CLAIM the people in these commercials as my fellow Americans.


This brings me to that LOUDMOUTH prick, Billy Mays - God, rest his soul.


Billy Mays had no idea how MISERABLE he was making my life. And still is. Orange Glow, Fix-a-scratch, Oxy-Clean, The AWESOME AUGER, (What The F?) and whatever else that guy found necessary to bludgeon my eardrums with. Its makes me wonder how his wife and kids attempted to make a happy life living with someone whose communication skills would be more appropriate at a WWF wrestling match, than at a dining room table.


When Billy Mays died, apparently the autopsy reported that he had cocaine in his system. Now, this is amazing to me. Unless Billy Mays had a cocoa plant on his windowsill at home, I find it perplexing how he got his hands on ANY type of street level, illegal substance. I cant believe that anyone selling DRUGS on the street would even consider this prick as a customer. He had the loudest mouth, and WAS the most annoying person in America, who loved to SCREAM at the top of his lungs about NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Not to mention - he was on TV, embarrassing himself!!! I guess the almighty power of the dollar outweighs the potential 20 year BID one might do, if caught slingin' to this guy.

I apologize for regressing. Lets move on...........

To Howie Long.

I am a Chevrolet guy - I don't follow Chevy on the NASCAR "sprint cup" circuit or anything, but I do like Chevrolet model vehicles. What I DON'T like is the fact that Howie Long; quite possibly the dumbest man in the world, has been chosen to represent the brand that arguably BUILT America.

Here's why.


I'm sure you have seen the commercials where Howie Long is berating Ford truck drivers, and comparing them to modern day working PUSSY'S. Pointing out that they left their "Man step" down, or that their MANICURE looks great.

Wow.

I cant believe that a panel of people that auditioned this Neanderthal said "Lets let Howie Long be our spokesperson for our breakthrough model vehicles, especially when the economy is in the CELLAR to begin with." Someone must of agreed then and said, "Oh yeah, absolutely. Motor City (Detroit) is bankrupt right now, but lets put some make-up on Howie Long, give him a sport coat, and bring this company back into the black." - Ok. Give him a signing bonus too.

Instead of Howie saying “Hey man, you left your fucking step down,” Howie Long opted to let the guy know in the biggest JACKASS fashion available. Howie pretty much said, “Hey man, you left that step down on your truck. You know, the one that you use because you’re not enough of a man to get out of your truck without it."

The SAME commercial asks the viewer whether they would rather have a “man step” or a "WARRANTY" hahaha! - Yeah, because those two items are OBVIOUSLY connected. The fact that this commercial hinges on a connection between a collapsible, composite step and a POWERTRAIN warranty makes me hope someone involved with this marketing campaign got sent to the FIRING squad.

Holy Mother of Mary.


The target audience; in my opinion, for 99.2% of the commercials that I see on TV generally target the MALE audience. This is due partially to the amount of MASCULINE shows and CHANNELS that I choose to watch, like sports, poker, and COPS. I do admit that the resume of my DVR "scheduled series recordings" leaves ALOT to be desired. However, from some of the more mainstream shows that I do watch, I can tell that there seems to be a growing segment of commercials targeted to the females in this world too.

Case and Point:

Have you ever seen the goddamn commercial for "BUMPIT'S". The accessory you put onto your freaking HEAD to make your hair look, ummm.........bigger? The commercial goes something like "Bump your bangs. Bump your pony tails. We have black Bumpit's, blonde Bumpit's, and brown Bumpit's".

Jesus Christ Almighty.

Like girls don't have enough problems getting ready at night, lets add one more component to the already-impossible-equation. Come on Bumpit people (I refrained from calling them "Executives"), lets face it, these pathetic things you are marketing are soon going to achieve the status of a "BOBBY PIN", that I see every day lying on the ground outside the Getty MART. And to think that someone actually "patented" this idiotic thing, well.........makes me sick. To say the least.

What is America coming to?

Howie Long. Man steps. Bumpits. Billy Mays. Awesome Augers. Extenze pills. Closet organizers. Vegetable Choppers (don't even get me started on that clown) The list goes on. And on. And on.


It is sad to say that we are ALL helpless victims, and at the MERCY of our TELEVISION sets and stuck WATCHING these ridiculous corporate marketing strategies as they invade our time at home, which SUPPOSED to be considered peace and quiet.

There is no ESCAPE. Are these commercials reflective of the level of education in our American society?

You decide. I give up.