Rebates...Re-HATES

Do you guys remember the days when making a SIMPLE purchase at a cash register was quick, easy, and PAINLESS?

Well, not anymore.

Corporate "tracking" and rebate programs have made my life completely miserable - and because I have VERY little patience - I hesitate to inquire on a pack of goddamn chewing gum - for fear that they might ask me for my ZIP CODE...

Companies love trying to get you to make a purchase based upon a REBATE discount. Comfortable that most people will tear long strips of FLESH off their own FACE with their fingernails - long before they summon the patience and sanity together to gather the paperwork to file a MAIL-IN rebate.

Recently, I went to the store to buy a pair of Bose headphones. A fairly common and painless purchase for any HUMAN BEING with an i-pod or a cell phone.

I thought nothing of it...

Needless to say - checking out at the REGISTER was just about as fun as enlisting in the ARMY...


Employee: "Hi. How are you today?"

Me: "I'm fine, Thanks. How are you?"

Employee: "Good. Did you find everything you were looking for?"

Me: "Yep. No problem."

Employee: "OK. Great. Do you have a Best Buy points Card?"

Me: "Yes - but I don't have it with me today..."

Employee: "Ok. No problem. I can search for it in the computer. Whats your last name?"

Me: "Post. P-O-S-T.

Employee: "PROST?"

Me: "No. POST - 'P' as in PETER. O. S. 'T' as in TOM - POST."

Employee: "First name?"

Me: "John. J-O-H-N."

Employee: "John Post?"

Me: "Yes."

Employee: "425 Robin Road Harrisburg, PA?"

Me: "No."

Employee: "Ok. How about 1133..."

Me: "Yes. That's it."

Employee: "Ok. Do you have a Best Buy charge card?"

Me: "Nah."

Employee: "Do you want one? - It's good for 10% off on all purchases today?"

Me: "Nah. I'm good - I don't really have the time today. Thanks though."

Employee: "Ok. No problem. Will this be cash, or charge?"

Me: "Cash."

Employee: "Great - Whats your zip code?"

Me: "19610."

Employee: "Ok. Your total is $101.40."

Me: "Ok - Cool. I think I have $.40...hold on let me check."

Employee: "No problem. Did you know that for an extra $40, Best Buy offers a replacement program that will cover and insure any defects with this product for up to 2 years? Is this something you might be interested in?"

Me: "No, I didn't know that - and no, I'm not really interested in that today. Thanks though."

Employee: "Ok. Well there is a $5 mail in rebate available on this product. When you open the package - read the information and long onto the website, fill out the online form - including the model number, which Best Buy you made the purchase and today's date - and submit your information."

Me: "Ok. Ill be SURE to do that as soon as I get home. Hell - I might even do it from the PARKING lot on my BlackBerry."

Employee: "Ok. Well there is also a special on this product today - you're in luck. For a limited time, you can buy the extra moldings for your ear cavity for $10.99. Normally, they are $12.99. Is this something you might be interested with?"

Me: "No. I'm only interested in buying these headphones - and besides I have to go DONATE BLOOD, and Im running late - so please, just give me the product I want, and leave me alone."

Employee: "Ok. Should I put the receipt in the bag?"

Me: "Yes. I thought you were never going to ask me that. That would be GREAT."

Employee: "In order for us to serve you better - there is a survey on the back of the receipt. Please take a minute and call the 800 number on there - and tell us how I did today. That would be a great help...and its good for $5 off your next purchase."

Me: "Is that it? Because I can now feel my teeth starting to ROT out of my head since I have started to talk with you today - on what I was expecting to be an easy purchase."

Employee: "Yes. That is it. Have a nice day. - Show the receipt to the security manager on your way out."

Wow - That very well could have been the worst day of my life. I have never been a proponent of internet shopping, but now I am starting to change my mind.


Look, you guys are all savvy, so there's no need to remind you to never buy anything because it is on rebate.

Don't even factor a rebate into your purchasing equation: 10 times out of 10, rebates are ANNOYING and frustrating.

What ever happened to... "Give me what I am buying - with the receipt in the bag. Have a nice day. K, Thanks...?"

CrackBook

Recently, I've started to realize something...

Facebook is constantly up on my computer, and the area on my computer screen where the Facebook "HOME" button resides, is officially worn out like the heel on an old PENNY LOAFER.

In a way, I'm embarrassed.

Somehow or another, I have become a HELPLESS victim of the frantic obsession with these online networking sites, and while the craze hasn't warped into my blackberry...yet, I enjoy reading about many of my long-lost friends through my laptop computer.

The great thing about Facebook is that it's FREE, and consequently; I am not PAWNING my prized possessions to access the information that coincides with my five hundred and some-odd friends. I simply log in, click home, and I am INSTANTLY plugged into the lives of just about EVERYONE I know.

No credit cards, no interest rates, and no contractual obligations.

But whats too much, I ask?

While I admit to being a facebook FIEND, I don't understand why people find it necessary to log their every MOVE for the whole world to see.

And more importantly, I seriously wish that people would either join the MAFIA, be a FARMER, buy a FISHTANK, marry a PIRATE, or kill a VAMPIRE, - so I don't have to HEAR about it.

I do, however, partake in a MILD array of status updates that include certain athletic outcomes, jokes, trip destinations, etc., but some people take this WAY to far.

(Before you read any further, my intention here is not to piss anyone off. These are the views of a 29 year old, SINGLE, male. So, if you are offended, I apologize in advance for the narrow-mindedness)

For example:

"_________is waiting for her hubby to come and share some of the chocolate lava cake she just made for him.”

I think everyone has a few friends like these. The person who was voted the “most intellectual” by the high school senior class is now a full time housewife who uses the term “HUBBY” without reservation, - and wants the ENTIRE Facebook community to know that she is spending her Friday night...making DUDE a cake.


*Let me just go on record NOW. I hope that I am NEVER referred to as a "hubby." When I hear this word in a sentence, its all I can do...to not DRY HEAVE.*


The best is when your friends brag about exercise.


“__________is glad that he didn’t eat the box of Girl Scout cookies instead of going to the gym and doing 3 sets of 30 bicep crunches.”

Thanks for SHARING about how many reps you did. We were all so very interested about your regimented work out plan. It’s good to know so many productive members of our nation are busy keeping trim, - and telling the world about it. Maybe next week, they will have done 80 chin ups, 3000 sit ups, and then ROW themselves into a QUADRATHALON.

Here's a good one too:

“__________is madly in love with his wife...even the day after Valentine’s!”

Great.

I'm really glad that you have found love. For real, I am. But either your wife is so incredibly LAME as to be impressed by the fact that you say things like this about her to the whole wide world, or you have some kind of bizarre INADEQUACY, - requiring you to BROADCAST signs of heterosexual HARMONY to the Universe. Maybe both.

I’m thinking both.

These kinds of 7th-grade declarations of AFFECTION for someone you’re married to can only be compared with those (sometimes overlapping) groups of Facebookers who actually write vapid messages to their spouses on each others’ walls...

“Honey, I’m getting some TAPIOCA at the store on the way home! And I just wanted to tell you Good Luck at the interview honey!...“I love you!”

There are a lot of these. OBVIOUSLY, as a 20-something year-old male, a lot of my friends are getting married and making babies. Does this really need to be shared with the entire world?

You made a fucking baby. Wow. This happens almost a billion times a year on the planet EARTH. (I'm only kidding. I understand that child-birth is exciting, I'm only executing one of my "signature" rants) While I’m sure the endless PARADE of baby pictures is a Facebook staple, I’m happy to report that I have managed to avoid most of these albums.

"I’m changing diapers!" Let me go make a status update change!

Once kids are born, you get into this sort of thing. I wouldn't know because I'm single. Thanks to the never ending supply of information, Facebook users will also get to share in their custody battles as well. How nice is it that we get to be DEPRESSED about the bizarre neuroses of your child as he is developing? In 10 years, I will be looking FORWARD to the status updates about your court dates as well. Believe me, I am taking notes.


Facebook and social networking culture take people that you happen to have met somewhere, sometime in your life, and label them for you.

Fell out of touch? Catch up on what you’ve missed. Didn’t know them that well to begin with? They’re just one click away! Look, they’re online now! Maybe you can hit them up real quick while they’re STALKING their other friends and ask them what it was like to grow up in whatever town they’re from.

On the flip-side, what has made me so attracted to this site is the ability to stay connected to people you thought you would NEVER see again. It's especially sweet to re-connect you with old friends from college.

Pre-Facebook, when you graduated, you moved onto live the rest of your life, with no intentions of EVER seeing the friends you made while taking a leak outside the late-night nitrous party at 5am.

Not now.

Online networking services have bridged the gap between acquaintances we have ALL made throughout life, both good and bad, and guess what?

I'm a "fan."

DEPRESSEDUARY

Winter is the time of year where every other living thing either chooses to die or HIDE, but for some reason, human beings choose to put on a giant coat, CHAINS on their tires, as well as EARMUFFS - and POWER through it.

It's miserable.

The sun goes down at 3:30 p.m. and rises at 7:00 a.m., making the days invariably short and almost unbearable. For me, the months of January and February always make me feel like my dog just DIED.

This is due, in part, to the chemical changes within the body that are a result of a lack of sunlight. You see, sunlight and UV-Rays naturally produce hormones within the human body that generate happiness, and as a result - you feel HEALTHY.

Without sunlight, one can appropriately imagine that without these hormones being produced, you unequivocally feel like a SHIT STAIN.

On a graph of coolness, winter follows along the same exact curve as making a t-shirt with a super magnified FACE SHOT of your "ex" on it...

It makes you SICK every time you think about it.

It's safe to say that the worst part of my day comes in the morning, seconds after I turn the HOT water off in the shower and I step out, into what feels like SIBERIA. It is at that very moment when my testicles shrivel up into the size of cherry tomatoes, and my desire to do ANYTHING else other than douse myself in a 55 gallon drum of KEROSENE and proceed to light up my morning smoke, becomes non-existent.

And I know that I'm not the only one who HATES this time of year.

Currently, the Nation is experiencing ALL-TIME temperature lows and snow accumulation, especially throughout the Northeast. In FLORIDA there is a STATE OF EMERGENCY for Christs sakes, as the citrus crops are in danger of freezing, and there is worry that the sub-normal temperatures are going to inundate the crop supply, which is a multi-billion dollar staple.

Right now it is so cold outside, even PROSTITUTES are experiencing the downtrodden effects of DEPRESSEDUARY. Get this: Yesterday, on my way to the grocery store, I saw HOOKERS downtown charging 20 bucks just to BLOW...

on your hands.

Other than relocating to a warmer region (which SEVERAL of my friends seemed to have done lately), there is no solution. On one hand, I do enjoy the seasonal change that exists here in the Northeast region, and on the other hand I hate the "jail" that my house becomes during these months.

Which brings me to my next question: Where do all the girls go in the winter time?

As if the whole shower experience isn't bad enough(sorry for the mental picture), there is NO such thing as "eye candy" during these awful months. Why? Because everyone (especially HOT girls) finds it so much easier to stay in the comfort of their home at night, making the possibility of a new relationship forming almost EXTINCT.

That being said, its also probably a safe assumption that people have less sex in the winter. (However, due to the amount of birthdays I've recently seen in October, and November, I now know that this is NOT true.) If this were true, this idea alone would be enough to make you DROP KICK the head off of the next snowman you see, and FIRE your snow sled up inside your wood burning stove.

It's not just SHRINKAGE and treacherous weather that's keeping us from getting any action during the winter months. Chicks get considerably less sexual as the days grow shorter and the temperature drops. They stop worrying about fitting into their swimsuits - let alone WEARING one, they start eating like pigs, and let their leg hair grow until it's long enough to CORNROW. This all stems from one very simple fact: they know that they have EXACTLY three months to cover every single piece of exposed skin on their body like an INUIT blubber harvester.

Ughh. It's going to be a long 3 months.

I'm over it. I'm going to patent a pill that makes you feel like you are in Hawaii year round.


So, If you're one of the millions of people who live in a climate that actually has a winter season and HATE it, dont worry. Your not the only one.

New Years Resolutions (Can kiss my A*$)

Thanksgiving was here, and Santy Claus came and went. Our Christmas trees are being thrown out to the CURB, and the decorations are being re-boxed for the next Holiday Season. We have all carefully DIGESTED our food and taken one more trip back to the mall to make returns for the gifts that we didn't like. Much to my CHAGRIN...

The fun and games are ALL over.

The ugliest day of the calendar year is about to be penciled into every ones planner throughout the world. And ever since I was a little kid, I have always DREADED New Years Day

Ugh...

I'm here to report that New Years day is the main reason behind every diagnosed episode of MANIC depression within our country. It's the time of year when we all convince ourselves that we are "turning over a new leaf" for the up-coming year. The time of year when we are ALL so confident that, for the next 365 days - when the waiter comes around to take our order, we are going to get a Caesar SALAD and stick of NICORETTE for dinner.

Well not this year.

New Years can kiss my fucking ass.

I'm pretty sure that I hold the record for the most consecutive years of forgetting about my GAY-ASS New Years resolution by January 4th, at the LATEST - totaling 29. I've made a list of some of the funniest "rezzies" that I've encountered in the past, and listed them below.






"I will try and drink less this year"

This is hysterical. We all know that this NEVER works. Superbowl comes, and this resolution goes right out the window. The only way you could EVER possibly admire someone who says they are going to try and CUT BACK on their drinking, is if they are just getting over their 3rd DUI.






"I'm gonna try and not spend money on stupid things this year"

I am the undisputed king of this knuckle headed nonsense. This reminds me of one particular time in college, when a couple of friends and I were headed to Myrtle Beach for a week, and I had a hundred bucks - to my NAME. Before getting on the interstate, we stopped at Sheetz to gas up our SUV. I walked in the store, $100 bill in hand, and spent $65.00 on nudy magazines and beef jerky. What an investment.





"I promise to treat my wife/girlfriend better this year"

People are real assholes. Sometimes I wonder why ANYONE would have to make such a correction in their life. Let me just say this: I watch COPS religiously. Nuff' said.







"I promise to treat my dog better"

I had a roommate in college once who had a dog. One year he actually had to PLEDGE to himself that he would stop beating it when it pissed on the floor. *Newsflash*...its a dog...they are STUPID...get over it.






"My diet starts tomorrow"

This is fucking terrible. Hopefully nobody from JAPAN reads my blogs, because this picture would give "Godzilla" a whole new meaning. Please people, level with yourself this year and set a GOAL. Don't just SAY that you are going to go on a diet. That's what this woman tried to do in 1996.







"I'm quitting smoking"

This is definitely a hard one. In order for this resolution to work, its almost like one has to say "I'm going to make a resolution THIS YEAR, to try and quit NEXT YEAR." If anyone ACTUALLY does try this and is successful, please let me know; and more importantly, GOD bless you.







"I'm giving up candy for the New Year"

I'm trying something different this year. My New Year’s resolution is to gain 200 pounds. Not 200 pounds of muscle, either. I want to gain 200 pounds of pure, unfiltered WASTE— the equivalent of 700,000 calories in nacho cheese-filled pretzel rods, peanut butter brownies, snickerdoodles, cupcakes, fudge pops, MOUNTAIN DEW, margarine sandwiches, and guacamole milkshakes. There’s no particular rhyme or reason to my resolution; it will probably take 10 years off of my life and inflict disgust onto any woman that I meet, both in the process of gaining the weight and after having put it on.


So if your like me and hate this American tradition...Don’t feel bad. Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this.

In 1997, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Years resolutions of 275 people. After one week, the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions. After two weeks, they have no idea what happened, because the psychologists had quit monitoring...

“We just forgot, and lost our motivation”...they reported. "Also, we were eating Twinkies by the truckload."

The Joisey Shore

It's official. Votes were cast, collected and tallied - and after two milliseconds of deliberation, the verdict is in. The American public has unanimously found the BENNIES of MTV'S reality show "The Jersey Shore"...

GUILTY.

Guilty of being no more than a collection between a bunch of muscleheaded MEATBALLS who drive iRoc-Z's and grease their hair up, and slutbag bitches whose idea of having a good time would be categorized as contracting a sexual transmitted DISEASE served with a side of spaghetti.

And guess what?

I'm tuning IN...

For me, the idea of watching a group of people publicly EMBARRASS themselves on national TV is fucking great. You see... Americas' appetite for garbage entertainment seems to have no boundaries, and while I tend NOT to watch mainstream reality shows in general, this one is a gem. I'm always available to watch something that is pathetic as this, and that will provide COUNTLESS hours of entertainment and punchlines for me and my jokester friends.

Following suit with my other posts...this, without a doubt, is the "royal flush" of stupidity and ignorance that trumps all of the other notable examples of INEPTITUDE I have cited - to date.

And while I have your attention, I'd like to take the time and say...

God, I love this country.

It's shows like these that are so hard to stomach but at the same time so pleasurable to watch, because it points out the "pea brain" mentalities that exist here in America. While MTV's recent line up of reality shows such as The Hills, The Real World, etc., have been saturated with situations similar to the ones on the "Jersey Shore", nothing has outlined immaturity like this before.

But this show has caused more than SOME concern within the national media channels, more specifically to those who make their home "Down the Jersey Shore".

I grew up and spent many summers "down the shore" as a kid, and now that my parents bought a home in a beach town about 100 miles south of Seaside Heights; I can firmly say that this show is about as close to the real Jersey Shore...as Beverly Hills is to BAGHDAD.

The series should be re-named: "Why locals should AVOID Seaside Heights."

After watching women SWOON over "The Situation’s" abs and SALIVATE every time Ronnie flexes, one thing has become perfectly clear to me...

Never underestimate the level of intelligence that MOST of the people that live in this country possess.

Seriously, this is for real?

After seeing a preview, it looks (and sounds) like a show that would be named...

"My New Haircut: The Series."

New Jersey is famous for being host to a slew of TV shows back through the years... The Sopranos probably being the most notable...but at least The Sopranos was fictional, it was well written and the characters were more than just douchebag tools that are consistent in making TOTAL jerkoffs out of themselves.

MTV went fishing in the SHALLOW end of the gene pool to find the cast for this show.

Lets break it down:

First up there's Nicole, a.k.a. SNOOKI. This chick broke a duck, struck out 6 times in a jacuzzi, almost left, almost got fired from her job selling NOVELTY T-shirts in a store on the BOARDWALK, and met her BARF BAG soul mate - ALL in just under 120 minutes!!!

(Laughing My Fucking Ass Off...)

Then there is PAULEY D.

(Rolling on the Fucking Floor Laughing...)

First of all, Pauley is a stupid name, and his HAIR is beyond stupid. He travels with 40 bottles of hair manipulator, a hair blower, AUSSIE hair spray, and a Bumpit - literally, and I saw him sucker punch that guy in that nightclub and then watched him BRAG about it. My 15 year old niece could have hit the guy harder than that.

This guy is AMAZING.

Pauley D, along with his housemate and new best friend Mikey "THE SITUATION" Sorrento, are probably two of the cockiest, fuckfaced guys I've ever seen on television. "The Situation" (his self proclaimed moniker, - that, if you ask me is about as cool as a SHIT-filled bagel sandwich) is a 27 year old gym assistant and is the complete definition of a total "TAMPON STRING". For one, he is getting "old man cheeks" as a direct result from injecting steroids directly into his inflatable "suck ass" ego. Secondly, this JACK WAD got busy in a hot tub, sucked LIPS with at least three different teenage girls, tried (unsuccessfully) to cockblock Ronnie (the other SAUSAGED-MUSCLE shitdick in the house), then fell into a deep depression when his crush, Sammi "The Sweetheart," started holding hands with someone else. HAHAHA!

Talk about delusions of grandeur...

For the sake of writers cramp, I'm going to stop here. Besides, I'm not too sure how I feel about just having spent 20 minutes talking about these creeps - so I'm not going to inundate you all with any more exhausting, idiotic story plots. Ill leave it up to you to imagine just how disgusting this show really is (if you haven't seen it yet.)

So yeah, OBVIOUSLY there is absolutely NO incentive here to pattern myself after any of these BENNIES, but at the same time my DVR is set up for a series recording every Thursday night on MTV. So, whether you think it's the best thing since Water Ice (pronounced "wooder-ice") or find it totally insulting, one thing is for certain: "Jersey Shore" got people talking after last weeks premiere.

I Wish That I Knew What I Know Now, When I was in College (Top 40)

As human beings, we all make mistakes or miss opportunities. I don't care who you are, it happens. What really blows, is that years after an opportunity was missed, we dwell on what went wrong, but CAN'T go back to fix it. It's simply impossible.

Let me put it to you this way...

I've missed so many opportunities in my college years, they could be represented by EVERY blade of GRASS at Qualcomm stadium; home field to the San Diego Charger's.

Especially with women...

During my 6 year tenure at the biggest party school in the country (West Virginia University), I learned a few "mannerisms" essential to being part of the Mountaineer student body.

My fraternity brothers and I went out to the bars or to house parties just about EVERY night of the week - and I'm not exaggerating. So much partying and "tail chasing," in fact...we had to develop a notarized document that had to be agreed upon between any fraternity member that wanted to TAG along.

Actually, this isn't true...but If I could go back in time to my college years, I would have implemented a RULEBOOK to live by, and said it like a PRAYER every night before I went out...

You see...sometimes there is an "unspoken word" between men on what to say, and what not to say to girls within the social meeting place...Based on personal experiences, consequences suffered, - and if I did have a notarized document outlining what to do, it would look a little something like this:


The CARDINAL rule: Don't be a DOUCHEBAG
*This could lead to a very long list of what not to do, but Ill highlight the major sins...

A. Don't steal from the bars. Your a drunken idiot. You will get caught, and you will get blackballed from the bar.

B. Don't be the angry guy. We are all trying to have a good time, so don't take the initiative into your own hands and FUCK it up for all of us.


1. The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.

2. You ALWAYS have an early appointment the next morning.

3. Never use your real name.

4. Never confess.

5. Definitely make sure she is 18.

6. You have until the bar closes and the late night party to seal the deal, NO OVERTIME.

7. Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way - Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.

8. ALWAYS pull out in time.

9. Of course you love her.

10. ALWAYS be a team player, everyone needs a little help every now and then.

11. Know the playbook, so you can call in an audible.

12. You understand what she heard, but that's not what you meant.

13. NEVER go back to your place.

14. Breakfast is for CLOSERS...

15. Create an air of mystery that involves some PAINFUL experience when interacting with the girl your after. But don't EVER talk about it.

16. Tell any woman that your interested and that you'd love to stay, but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter early tomorrow morning.

17. The Ferrari's in the shop.

18. If two guys pick the same girl, the younger of the two males will respectfully yield to the elder.

19. Mix it up a little. You can't ALWAYS be the man with the HAUNTED past.

20. Girls in HATS tend to be proper, and they RARELY give it up. - *Note to self* (Fitted, NEW ERA hats DON'T count - consider this as a Billboard that reads: "RUN")

21. Always think ahead, but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox, and you'll not only get the girl, you just MIGHT get a piece of mind.

22. Don't use the "I have 2 months to live" bit. Not cool. NOT EFFECTIVE.

23. Your from out of town. ALWAYS.

24. Of course you dream of one day having children.

25. Deep down, most woman HATE themselves...this is the key to MOST bedroom doors.

26. By the way. Etiquette isn't old fashioned...it's sexy. And it works.

27. Avoid women who were PSYCHOLOGY majors. There is no kind of woman more clingy and PERSISTENT than a psychologist investigating your story later on...

28. COCKBLOCKING is not cool. Don't do it...ever. (C'Blocking a RANDOM Fuck-Bag has its exceptions, though).

29. Know when to abandon ship if it ain't floating.

30. Always work your way into conversation: "Yeah, I have tons of money, but how does one buy happiness?"

31. Fight the urge to tell the truth.

32. There is nothing wrong with going in for seconds, provided there is enough to go around.

33. No excuses. Play like a Champion today!

34. Don't fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back up.

35. Be judicious with cologne. Spraying too much can be disastrous. When in doubt, use less.

36. The OLDER the better, the YOUNGER the better.

37. Avoid talking about yourself all night long.

38. You love animals AND children.

39. Be thoughtful...it brings out the "healer" in women.

40. Smile! Your having the time of your life.


I'm thinking (had I implemented this list), that I would of ended up with more black eyes, than notches on my bedpost...

Until next time...

THE BRIGHT SIDE

I've been trying soooooo hard to come up with a post that isn't about something I HATE...and I'll be totally honest, its almost FUCKING impossible. With the amount of information that my brain ingests throughout the course of one day...that easily exceeds a TERABYTE, I struggle to incorporate optimistic ideals into the "TheBasesLoaded" Blog. I tend to chalk up my erroneous blog ideas to the astronomical amount of stupidity - that I CAN'T seem to avoid.

Now...I've tried everything, but somehow the only logical way of dodging INEPTITUDE, would be to lock myself in a wooden box in the middle of a cornfield; for 4 years, somewhere in the middle of South Dakota...

I don't mean to BILLYCLUB you all with another sequential entry in which I verbally define my moral boundaries, but if you've read this much, I'm guessing that your probably sharing some of the same feelings that I have already expressed.

As a kid, I was forced to write speeches in my grade school class for the local OPTIMIST Club and publicly give them in front of a panel of judges. The Optimist club was kind of similar to a localized "Lions Club" (These might not exist outside of good ol' PA) in that they sponsored local scholastic events, Charity events, gave scholarships to under privileged students for college, and had a gigantic mailing list to recruit donations.

One year I talked about Milton Hershey's financial success after he weathered a series of bankruptcies. The moral of the story was that his theory of NEVER GIVING UP has obviously paid off, and his optimistic ideals are a lifelong lesson that everybody can learn from.

The following year I spoke about Jack Dempsey; the early American prizefighter (1914) who was beaten TWICE by the same man, before he avenged failure and proceeded to win the middleweight title. Jack Dempsey was a "picture perfect" example of a man who confronted his obstacles in life, and eventually beat them - literally.

I was really good at giving these speeches, and believe it or not I placed in the top 3 spots every year I entered the contest - throughout PA, NJ, and DE...

There is a reason why...

You see, at this age I was able to get in front of a room full of people I've never seen before and SCREAM about how ridiculously happy and optimistic I was - because I didn't have BILLS to pay. Quite frankly...at that age, I had no responsibilities at all.

A NORMAL "schoolday" would consist of me arriving home from school, WD-40'ing the chain on my Diamond Back mountain bike, tightening the trucks on my NASH skateboard, and off to the park I went - with two packs of Camel Wides, a gold ZIPPO from "Things Remembered" with my initials engraved on it, and two cans of Ronson lighter fluid.


I had taken everything for granted in my life at that point, and although I didn't realize it at age 14, I was entombing life-long lessons into my "Trapper Keeper of life" by giving those speeches at the local Optimist Club.


Drumroll pllleaseeee.....


As my life goes on - I am becoming a PESSIMIST.

Shocking, huh?

I firmly believe that we all are. Throughout my life I've learned to expect the WORST in any possible situation. I never think of a TRAFFIC JAM as a great way to spend a Friday afternoon...I never think that my college football team (WVU) is going to overcome a 10 point deficit with 2 quarters of play left in the game...I am also pretty confident that the one GAS PUMP I choose to pull up to, will most certainly have that awfully disgusting - yellow DO NOT USE BAG hanging off of it...I'm almost POSITIVE, its going to lightning storm on the day I am supposed to play golf with the owner of Def Jam...Furthermore, when I go into Foot Locker looking to buy a pair of white Nike Air Force One's - size 10.5's, I am betting my 57" Sony Bravia flatscreen TV that the referee comes out of the back closet with the look on her face like she just lost her kid at the state fair, telling me she has no more left.


Now, I've tried "making the best" out of situations like these...but all its left me to do was pace back and forth in Best Buy's lobby saying over and over to myself..."Fuckin' A..." For me, the idea of making the best out of a bad situation sometimes, just isn't an option.

Obviously, the TRIVIAL examples listed above are not enough to make me go AWOL, but those experiences seem to make it easier to anticipate something of similar proportions to happen again.


Pessimism is beginning to become part of the WORLD we live in. Its a character trait that's prevalent EVERYWHERE I look.


Its a hell of a thing, but I look at it like this...


"A pessimist is NEVER disappointed..."